Rebuilding Faith

One day, when I finally get on my spiritual feet again, I want a faith built from humility, peace, patience, quietness, and hope.

I am sickened by the amount of self-righteousness and condemnation I impose upon others.

Additionally, I am concerned about the amount of self-hatred I possess and often wonder if I made a good Christian because of that self-loathing or if I was filled with self-loathing due to misunderstanding my faith.

I want to be a safe place, a graceful person, someone who is wise and loves infinitely, who isn't concerned about selfish gain and seeks only to continue the never-ending, odd and sometimes unnerving love story we've dreamt, heard of, longed for and lived for so long.

To rebuild. Out of purity, love, respect, and hope. To cast out all that reflects pain, despair and depravity.

Learning to start again is difficult.

Pride is commonplace. I wish it weren't so.



Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

Coldplay - Lost!
Viva la Vida or Death and All of His Friends


I refuse to accept that my hangups are who I am.

I crave to be pure, set apart, secure.

But I'm tired of feeling like I have to convince myself of that truth.

Just because I'm tired of pursuing God doesn't mean my story is over.

But I'm tired. I've tried.

Everything in me is convinced that somewhere between my failure and my idiocy that I will be met by something greater.

But I fear collateral damage.

I fear the people my life could potentially hurt.

And I'm at a place
where part of me doesn't care
but the other part hates me everyday because I can't just do the right thing.

Because I'm tired of doing the right thing.

In Kenya, one of the houses had "Holiness & Repentance" painted on the wall.

At first, I thought it said, "Holiness is Repentance" and I was grieved. (It still is in my head as "is"...not that Holiness & Repentance isn't worth contemplating, also)

I regret the pride in which I wrote those letters that I sent to friends and family. I regret not guarding my heart. I regret feeling like I'm beyond some sins and not others.

Everything happens for a reason.


It's like, whatever you set your mind to, you're going to end up doing.

I look at these kids. Toph is currently telling me about Pokemon. I don't want anything I do to ever impact them poorly.

Hell, I don't want anything I do to impact anyone poorly.

So why am I pissing away my life right now, hiding?

I don't want to feel like my life is the result of my gifts and talents, but I want to be innately and irreversibly aware of the power of God.

I have so many questions, but I don't even know what they are. I don't even know where to start.

I know what I don't want.

And that is me.



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Yeaaaaaah that was totally the canned stuff from their website.

I'm thinking of another post. Wanted to put it together this morning, but I don't have time. (Yea, yea, I'm too busy entering giveaways. Hush.)

Go forth and win stuff!


coming home

thoughts on war, fathers and running away.

spurred from a video on facebook.

1.) this video was sweet. yes, i cried. i always cry. i cried during the first clip. that's normal.

2.) i don't understand why we have to make the men of our families do this. i don't understand why we have to cause families such heartache and strain (emotionally, relationally...I can't count the number of boys i babysat as a kid who were unfortunate to train because their father was gone a whole heck of a lot) in order to "promote peace" -- the clip that really got me started on this one was the segment where the little boy ran into daddy's arms while he still held a gun.

love and war in a single frame?

2a.) it's almost like we need this. we need videos like this, we need closure. we need this emotional porn to make us feel like those few families that get their daddies back are okay. We're okay for doing this, and see, the families are back to normal and their bonds are even stronger.

the videos with dead or maimed soldiers, too. we force ourselves to think of them as honorable. what debt did they owe us that we coerced them to think they owed us their lives? that they fought for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...we'll extend that to religious and economic freedoms...is our foremost cry.

I can't help but wonder if we are trusting our government too much to provide the things of the world that we should not depend on. You could take it even further from physical rights to marriage rights and etc. To quote a tweet I saw online by Cole Nesmith: "Show me even once where Jesus petitioned the government to validate or support his message."

In the separation of Church and State, instead of allowing the Church to be our State, we've sought the authority of our State as our Church. As Keith Watson once said, "the dichotomy between the secular and the spiritual is false." you have some mix of the two. it's how you live.

3.) all that said, it's a beautiful picture when a child runs into a father's arms. some are hesitant, they haven't seen their daddy up close in months, if ever. some are uninhibited. passionate, running, crying, jumping. some grab him and wrap themselves around daddy, others just kinda hang there while he picks them up.

i guess, in the same way, we respond differently to God. sometimes we run. sometimes we wait. sometimes we're unsure if it's really him.

it always makes me think of the prodigal child.

especially now because I feel like I'm there. I'm a prodigal. I don't know what I want.

And sometimes I just want to be picked up.


finished aug-sept calendar

atleast, finished for now. inspiration from this place: http://www.aucegypt.edu/academics/dept/pva/PublishingImages/Spring_Events_2010.JPG


finished neighBEARS

I'm pretty pleased. :)


Be a Good NeighBEAR

Sometimes the design process amazes me. It's like, insanity. And it's rarely planned. It's felt. Odd. Anyway...

Here's a little taste of what I went through today. I'm actually leaving out a lot. But...

I sketched like mad:

I then picked out some concepts that I enjoyed (the bear couple, for example):

I made a naked bear baby:

Gave him some adorable overalls:

I made the Adam an Eve:

And then, colored them all in...

I think I like them. ;)