10.31.2007

J-Cup and Masturbation

So today was the beginning of something good. Hannahvann and I walked to Joshua Cup to talk and enjoy each other's company. That girl is beautiful and brilliant. She is a giver.

The big conversation of the night centered around sex. Abortion, concentration camps, connection, healthy relationships, charity (Britain, Kenya, and mosquito nets), societal norms, and masturbation were all brought up at some point in time as Hannah sipped her Moroccan Mint tea. I, of course, didn't get anything, because I couldn't make up my mind. I want to be healthy, but I want to support the businesses that need it...hm. Sometimes it seems that alot of my ideals don't always coincide.

I really feel like we have a connection and it is selfish of me to let my relationship with God slip, because I feel like Hannah needs someone strong to identify with. I don't think strong is the word. Well, but it is. I want to be strong in His Word, so that she can embrace it more readily. I want to be a champion of the Truth so that she desires You more readily.

I don't want to have a conflict of interests, either. I really want to engage and pursue with the goal of showing her You in mind. Same with all my other friends and--haha--girl crushes.

What is the benefit of being right? What is the punishment for being wrong? What is the goal in life? How do I center myself around it?

I feel far from You. I feel like I'm floundering, but I also feel like everything is going to be okay. I feel like I've got some big decisions in front of me, but I also feel like it's all gonna come out in the wash.

Please help me to center my life around You. Please help me to learn how to concentrate my focus so that I use my nature and nurture in a way that draws Your children to You.

God, You're calling. It's okay if You don't want to give me the words all the time, and if You want to let me stumble alot. I can take it, with Your help. I fall down, I get up again. Life is just a bunch of hits and misses. I've gotta learn to give and take.

Balance.
Yin and Yang.
Peace and Love.
Mercy and Justice.
Moderation.
Sexual Connection.

And on that note, I'll end with my

Thoughts over Proverbs
I just finished reading about the Proverbs 31 woman. She is wise, she is kind, she is strong, she is trustworthy


[A brief aside, I'm not wise nor kind--to emphasize this point, me and my dumb tongue spread cruelties about Ross again today. Gosh, I hate me! I will never, ever, tell the story of my first date ever again. I will speak good of Ross, I will encourage people to like him. Anyway. back to Proverbs]

I find none of these things in myself.
I am foolhardy and awkward.
I am selfish and bitter.
I am weak and falling.
I am deceitful and wrong.
Is there hope for a girl who is so easily right in her own eyes?
Is there hope for me to gain wisdom, kindness, strength, and honesty?
At my heart, I am evil, but at my soul I want more, higher, cleaner.
I am a lazy glutton.
And I half expect a miracle to change me.
Why can't I change me? Am I supposed to change me?
How does this work?
I take wisdom over silver and knowledge over gold. It is better than any jewels, and all I can desire can't compare.
You are wisdom.
I want You.

10.29.2007

Control

If you don't have self-control, who has control over you?

Ew.

I need to exercise some self control.

I'm going to play guitar.

10.24.2007

Restless Weaver

Restless Weaver, ever spinning threads of justice and shalom;
dreaming patterns of creation where all creatures find a home;
gathering up life's varied fibers - every texture, every hue;
grant us your creative vision. With us weave your world anew.

Where earth's fragile web is raveling, help us mend each broken strand.
Bless our urgent, bold endeavors, cleansing water, air and land.
Through the Spirit's inspiration, offering health where once was pain,
strengthen us to be the stewards of your world knit whole again.

When our violent lust for power ends in lives abused and torn,
from compassion's sturdy fabric fashion hope and trust reborn.
Where injustice rules as tyrant, give us courage, please, to dare
live our dreams of transformation. Make our lives incarnate prayer.

Restless Weaver, still conceiving new life - now and yet to be -
binding all Your vast creation in one living tapestry;
you have called us to be weavers. Let Your love guide all we do.
With your reign of peace our pattern, we will weave your world anew.

10.22.2007

computers

Quotes, ideas and responses are rolling in. Man, I hate the computer. What time I can waste!

10.21.2007

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Ever just felt like everything you were doing was wrong?

Me too.

10.20.2007

Hate

I hate myself.

I hate that I am very curious about things that poison my mind.
I hate that I am so bitter towards others.
I hate that I can spend hours wasting precious time.
I hate that I am selfish and want more, always.
I hate that I'm lazy, and don't like to put forth more effort than necessary.
I hate that I hate people right now.
I hate that I don't push myself to do more.
I hate that I am always doing what I can to get attention.
I hate that I'm not motivated.
I hate that I am me.
I hate me.
I hate that I hate me.
I hate that I can't accept myself or others.
I hate that I'm so demanding.
I hate.
I hate.
I hate.

Running with wisdom

I've decided I'm going running today. After I get off this computer. I just wanted to reflect on a few things. It is funny how I can so often feel like I'm wise or brilliant or beyond everyone, but it always amazes me how quickly I am brought down. The things I struggle with...they seem so simple and so...fallow. Is that a word? Fallow? They are like, shallow, death centered, common sense, dumb things, that as a follower of Christ, I should already be practicing. I need wisdom, and that only comes from You, from Him. Lets get to the Word, shall we?

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. A fool takes no pleasure in understanding; but only in expressing his opinion...It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the righteous of justice...If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame...Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits...It is a snare to say rashly, 'It is holy,' and to reflect only after making vows.


I understand that these wise sayings, taken from Proverbs 18 and 20, were from wise people. I want to be wise.

I want to take care of my body,
I want to take care of others,
I want to take care of life.

I don't want to be like, bitter and old, and mean and demanding.

I want to learn how to live life, without regrets, without hate...

without hating myself or others about the stupidest things. I mean, come on, God. I'm bitter over people that go exercise and I don't. It's because I'm embarrassed. It's because I'm lazy. It's because I have a sin and deficiency in my own life.

I want to find a new way. I want to be used and useful for you. I want to be clean in all areas of my life. Not just food. Not just your Word, not just helping people or loving people.

I want to love and to do and to live with joy even when it is the hardest thing to do.

I want to re-learn to have the strength and will to push on and to challenge myself.

I want to honor You with my life. With everything.

I need You. I need your strength, your insight, your...muse...inspiration.

So, I'm going running.

Make me clean.

No.

Make me realize that you have made me clean. Teach me to live like I am.

Amen.

10.18.2007

Mediation

I think it is funny that, as an RA, I need to help girls move through issues that they may be having.

It was weird sitting down and pleading with them to work with each other.

Bitterness,
Rudeness,
Respect,
Pride,
Anger...

and I cannot hold them to the standards of Christ. Can I? Their eyes are not opened to the ways of God. How can I show them?

I'm actually kinda in a hurry. Yesterday was a whirlwind day. Telling Gina I will be talking to her boss, Mediating, playing bass at Justin Wright's church.

Planning the meeting with Mr. Whittum. I feel like I have purpose--like I have something to do.

I like the feeling, and I wonder how that will tie into real life.

Hmmm.

I had breakfast with God this morning. I think I will purposely dedicate atleast two meals to God a week. Just to talk...you know, catch up.

With days like yesterday, I'm painfully aware of my lack of knowledge...thank God He is the One with wisdom!

10.16.2007

so...this is freedom?

So I have a few things I want to mention. First, it is amazing how much time I can waste. I mean, I can just sit in front of a computer and waste my day. Like, totally.

Secondly, I'm amazed at how much easier it is to talk when I know there is no one listening. On xanga, four years ago, I would muse over every little word: did I say this right? Does it portray what I'm thinking?

I don't have to worry about that here, with my dear sweet blog. I'm not blogging for the sake of hoping people will be amazed by my deepness and wisdom. I'm not looking to network or get pity. I'm looking to find solace in words and in the One who gives them. I'm looking to learn about myself and to remember certain things that I find interesting.

I'm going to talk to my boss next week. Kelli, my roommate from last year, is going to help me. Something needs to be done about the Student Admissions Team. I think that it is time for me to step in. And I do it, not for glory or for excitement, but because I have waited too long...I have watched people shrink and suffer, and I've watched others grow regardless of what they were faced with. It's for those who have shrunk and suffered far too long. Those who were expecting one thing and were dealt another. In a way, I look to help the hurting and lost. I feel justified in my Crusade.

Ooh, my orange Chucks and books came in today. I'm going to go check them out. Yippee!

10.15.2007

Ups and Downs

I think that it is funny how the depths of despair seem to pale in comparison to the joys of living, and how quickly I can turn around from the pain to see the wonderful-ness that is around me.

I don't think I'm manic depressive. I think I'm just sensitive. I can't always be even keel, that is just who I am. Right?

I suppose we'll see. I think I'm going to fight fire with fire. Self-control, delving into the love of God, identifying my wrongs and learning to give and receive Grace. If pain and depression is what I've been assigned, I'm going to make the best of it. I'm going to learn through the hurt. I'm going to grow through the dim, dark, dank, stuffy corridors of my heart. At the end, I'm going to come out better. I'm going to be able to love people and accept love from people.

This isn't the end. I'm feeling optimistic today. I have a lot to be positive about.

My God has won the battle. I'm just supposed to draw into Him more while pouring out for others.

Yippee! I can't wait to see what is going to happen...

10.14.2007

Lost and Found

I figured writing out my feelings would help me on my journey towards healing. But I don't really feel like writing right now. I'll try to post once a day. Like, a real post. Not like this crummy post.

For right now, I'll leave you with some notes I have scrawled on a napkin from the cafe':
Thoughts over Breakfast 10-10-2007
I've heard of bonetired...
but I'm like, soul-tired.
Waking up is a chore.
Accepting the new day is a task.
I feel I've lost the joy in living...
...in working
...in people and friendships
...in fun and hobbies.
My soul is tired.
There is something wrong!
Something missing, something extraneous...
I've considered soul-searching,
but it hurts and I don't feel like I can believe my own conclusions.
I don't feel like I am entitled to believe what I say.
I think there is something wrong with me at my roots--at my very core.
I long to get lost...to lose myself.
I don't know what in...
...sleep?
...laughter?
...love?
...You?
I don't know how long...
...a day?
...a night?
...a week?
...a month?
...a year?
...a lifetime?
I want to lose myself. What does that mean? To lose myself in You for a lifetime? Because that's what I want. I want to be lost.
Because then I can be found.
I just want to be found.