please pray for me. stuff isn't right, and i don't know how wrong it is. life is a struggle, right now. i don't know if people see it, but i feel it.

you may wonder what's up.

and it's, like, everything.

school, people, relationships, God.

choosing to live life rather than embrace death.

i apologize for the cryptics, but even i don't know how to put it into coherent sentences.

it just hurts and i'm really confused


there is a reason

these folks have a lot of really good songs.

From the album Overdressed by Cademon’s Call

Late at night I wonder why
Sometimes I wonder why
Sometimes I'm so tired
I don't even try
Seems everything around me fails
But I hold on to the promise
That there is a reason

Late at night, the darkness makes it hard to see
The history of the saints who've gone in front of me
Through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
There's a time to live and a time to die
A time for wonder and to wonder why
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

I believe in a God who sent His only son
To walk upon this world and give His life for us
With blood and tears on a long, dark night
We know that He believed
That there is a reason
There is a reason


For the lonely nights
And broken hearts
The widow's mite
In the rich man's hand
And the continent
Whose blood becomes a traitor

For the child afraid to close their eyes
The prayers that seem unanswered
There is a reason
There is a reason

chelsea and i dropped nicole off at the greyhound bus station last night at 10:30 and saw that there was a young lady sitting there. i asked if she needed a ride anywhere, and she just said that she was waiting for her next bus...which was coming at 1:30am. after finding out they actually close the station at like, 11:30, i asked her to come along with us. perfect strangers. it was a little sketchy. but i didn't want her sitting in the middle of macon georgia with no cover, no security.

so we went back to my place, and i gave her some cereal since she didn't have dinner (she wouldn't eat real food...i tried...), and we talked.

her name is blair and she is headed back to florida. she is 20 and in the air force reserves, and she has a one year old and a 7 month old. her ex-boyfriend has been watching the kids for the past two weeks.

i don't know. like cademon's call said, there is a reason.

we saw her off on the bus at 1:40. a little bit much of a later night than normal, but i think it was appropriate. say a prayer for her. i think God is chasing her, too.


on wheelchairs and dayquil

i've been sick :(

i actually got sick the morning we left for stone mountain. i think i'm at the tail end of it, but it made the week/weekend quite interesting. the worst of it was saturday and sunday. for right now, i'm milking it for all it's worth.

tobyMac was AwESoME, shane and shane were groovy as always, and i had a great time with my family.

if you've never heard christopher coleman, he was pretty engaging, and you should check him out when you get the time. there aren't really any videos online of him straight up speaking, but you can get a taste of him at youtube on a promotional video for his ministry: Empower Ministries.

his story:

c.c. was declared dead at birth. the doctors told his parents they lost their son, pulled a blanket across his face, and put him in the back of the room so that they could focus on birthing c.c.'s twin sister. when his sister cried at birth 15 minutes later, the doctors heard a noise in the back of the room. miraculously, c.c. was alive. after atleast 15 minutes of no oxygen, though, it was said he would be nothing more than a vegetable. never walk, never talk, never move or think.

not wanting to raise a kid in his condition, c.c.'s dad left, leaving his mom with 7 kids to raise single-handedly.

c.c. never went to school because everyone though he would never be able to learn, but for nine years, he would crawl out of his bed at night, get books from his sister's room, crawl to the bathroom, and by night taught himself to read and sound out words.

one the day he decided to surprise his mom with this accomplishment, he read the news ticker on the weather channel. she was shocked and thrilled that her invalid son who was never supposed to be able to think...ever...would be able to read. getting an iq test, after never having any schooling, c.c.'s intellegence was on the 9th grade level. they enrolled him in school and he graduated 5th in his class. he then went and studied at marietta's SPSU.

when he received his degree, though, he felt God calling him to share his story across the states. "Look at me, God", c.c. recalls himself saying, "Look at my hands that don't move right, listen to my voice, look at my feet that don't go where I want them to go." and he says God said back to him, "I don't have to look at you. I made those hands. I made that voice. I made those feet. And I don't make junk." he then connects it to John 9:1-3, where Christ heals a blind man. "who sinned that this man would be born blind," asks the disciples. "no one sinned," says the Christ, "rather, he was born this way so that the works of God may be displayed in him."

so c.c. went, and here he is, sitting in his wheelchair before hundreds of people, telling them that they are in wheelchairs, too. "you may not be disabled like i am, but you have things holding you back."

"people seem to think that miracles went out with Jesus. i'm here before you now, if for nothing else, for you to see a miracle. i am a miracle."

"one thing i've found is that if God is not enough for you, nothing will ever be enough."

getting out of his wheelchair and kneeling in front of us, it is obvious how useless his legs are. "let me show you something," he says. he then crawls stage right, where there is a cross, and he grabs a rope attached to it, and lifts himself up to standing position and hangs on to the cross. still standing, he whispers out to the crowd in his fitful, broken speech,

"listen to me. you can never lean on the cross if you're sitting in your wheelchair. i'm physically disabled. what's your excuse?"

go disable.
God is Able.

what's my excuse?


i found it :)

I've Always Loved You

I don't know how to explain it
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren't enough for me to prove to you

Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away
I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
And I always will

Greater love has not a man
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm going to do for you


On our way out to the Stone Mountain.
I'm excited.
Last night I was looking at pictures from high school.
A mini album my dear friend reva composed.
One jacki jones put together.
pictures i took.
pictures from prom.
pictures from the senior trip to the lake.
and it kinda hit me.

i lost 40 pounds going to college.
i've gained 20 back.
part of that is because i couldn't handle the attention.
but i think the biggest part is i couldn't let go of the fat girl mentality.

but looking at the pictures last night kinda made some stuff click.

that is not who i am.
i am not that girl.
i should live like i am not.

i live in bondage because that was how i did it for my whole life.
bondage to food, to laziness, to a sedentary lifestyle.
and most of the time, i still imagine myself locked up there.
but i look different. i am different.

i felt God telling me that it's the same with my spiritual walk.
i may imagine myself in chains but my big God has set me free and i'm someone else. i'm not stuck.

it's the same :)

okay. i'm leaving for ATL for real, now.

until the weekend! we'll talk later


don't you know i'll always love you?

something something.

i think it goes something like,

"don't you know i've always loved you
long before there was time..."

something something

..."i'll love you still...don't you know i'll always love you, and i'll always will..."

i actually think it's mac powell's voice singing it. not sure, but...it's a song that i hear on the radio and it makes me happy, much like Happy, Only the World, and Made to Love.

so if you know that song or those lyrics, please let me know... :)

gone to stone mountain for AtlantaFest!! See you in three days!

Shalom :)

sniper prayers.

i'm staying up late because i'm waiting to install the software so i can have my printer back.

passport camps are in full swing.

this is going to be exciting.

as i was walking, doing my rounds, i saw this group of kids walking, and they're like, middle schoolers. the cloud of cologne wafts by and i'm caught up in how much i hated high school and freshman boys thinking that half a bottle of axe somehow makes it possible to only shower once a week. i see this one kid, walking alone, jog up to another boy and tap him on the shoulder. he is wearing this weird hat with a lifesize fish attached to it. it was obvious he was alone.

and my heart just jumped to him and i prayed for him without even thinking about it.

that God would give him a double portion of His Spirit. or something.

it's like sniper praying. i see someone. a baby at the mall, a person driving on the phone, reading a book at the airport.

and the Spirit within calls and i can't help but ask God to be there with them. but He was the one that put that pull there in the first place. and i feel like begging God to touch them is like, thwarting the enemy. actively putting my faith in the One who can fulfill everything i ask and more. it's exciting.

it makes me wonder why i don't always step out for myself. and claim Hope and Truth for myself.


made cookies and muffins and spaghetti today. going to atlantafest wednesday!

hoping all is well on your end of cyberspace.

[edit: pictures! the first one is me and my dad and my little brothers, toph and michael. the second two are my cookies. i made my hand, and that was awesome, and then i made hearts. and i overcooked said hearts. we were thinking that perhaps they should be an advertisement for interracial marriage. because we're all the same, just some are more brown than others. (I mean, geez. look at that picture for crying out loud. i'm a freakin' indian compared to my dad and brothers...)...lol.

end edit.]


beetles, bugs and little boys

i'm working on uploading some pictures from today. but my printer died and i need to reinstall it, but i don't have the cd for installation, so i'm just going to install the stuff for the camera, and hopefully i'll have some rockin' pics up here, shortly.

i went home friday, and hung out with the fam until noon today. it was stupendous, and i love them a lot. it was kinda weird going back to southside, as they are so much bigger than new city, and i didn't know what to do with myself at the "invitation", since i haven't experienced one of those in like, a year.

[and dang it, as a side note. i just installed the software and found out i don't have the silly cord that i need to transfer the silly photos. AGH!]

but it was nice for a break from new city. last week, i was in a bad mood. chuck hurt my feelings, though i doubt he knows that, and it made me angry. i probably should talk to him about it, but the funny thing is that it really isn't that big of a deal, but...whatever.

i'm going to atlantafest on thursday! shane and shane (YEA!), tobymac(YeA yea!!!!), building 429 (which I'm the least excited about...sad...) we'll be camping. i'm stoked. hopefully the weather will be splendid.

other than that, i worked the check-in today for passport camps. bugs were flying around. i said they were potato bugs and jessica said they weren't because potato bugs are roly polies. and so i was confused and looked them up on wikipedia.

apparently there is a difference between "bugs" and "beetles".


i hope you have a great week. i know i will :)


what's that noise?

so i am really liking this summer thing so far. i don't feel overly stressed, i'm taking time for myself and others, i'm having a wonderful experience with the internship, office of residence life, and churchness.

and i get to be crafty and just have an all around good time.

my newest addition to the line of t-shirts i've designed is as follows:

Yay! As a staff, we've played our fair share of Rock Band together. Someone makes dinner, and for a while there, we would inevitably retire to the Alpha Gamma Delta house for some awesome jams on controllers that make us feel like rockstars. EXCITING! I'm thrilled. This is one of my favorite shirts i've done so far.
Now, with that in mind, every time I make a shirt it's my new favorite.
Yay for rock band and yay for friends.
I gotta go. Dee-dee is here today and i'm on her computer! whoops :)



the first five sentences i wrote here were kinda sad and lame. but i just took a 30 minute break during which i talked on the phone to my dear friend priscilla...and...

i changed my mind, so i erased those things.

can i do that?

i just did.

so boo-ya.

i'm happy.


not sad.

have a great day :)

(p.s. priscilla, i would've written more, but i'm sleepy. looks like you're just going to have to come back another day...)



the more i seek You
the more i find You
the more i find You
the more i love You

i want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hands
lay back against You and breathe
feel Your heartbeat

this love is so deep,
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming.

by zach neese

sit in adoration,
learn at his feet
drink and accept a marriage proposal to this big God.
lay down close to Him
feel my heart beat with Him
dizzy in love

it's coming.


yes, yes He would.

so on the list of things that i like next to

little siblings
making crafty things
law and order svu
good books

i have recently added postsecrets. it's all the rage. people send in postcards with their secrets on them. some are crazy. some seem very fake. others pull at my heart because i feel them and i know how that person feels.

if you haven't checked it out, go right ahead. i'll wait for you to finish looking around.

[awkward pause...maybe some elevator music]

oh, you're back, eh? spiffy.

well then, i'm sure you saw this one:

and all i want to say is yes, yes He would.

i pray that Jesus would be the Love in us, so that those who are in fist to fist combat with demons would be able to connect to a God bigger than and greater than our silly rules and standards.

and perhaps soon, even we who are His will be able to look our addictions to food and affection and laziness in the eye and lay them at the feet of Love and be free from such awful bondage.

Hosanna! i can't wait for that day.


it's amazing what not turning your laptop on can do for you...

1.) i haven't posted in three days, and i'm okay with it.
2.) i've barely checked my email. it's very freeing.
3.) i've actually done things like go to the gym and play guitar and walk around downtown.

My mom and the boys are in California this week. My sister is in Douglasville, and my dad is at home. It's funny, we're like, spread out.


I don't really have anything poignant to say. I'm reading through Deuteronomy, and I don't know about you, but my God is a green God. Even through the law of the Old Testament, it looks to me like God is concerned about taking care of the earth.
Deut 20:19-20 talks about not cutting down trees (that are good for food) when in times of war. 22:6-7 instructs God's people to not take a mother bird with her eggs.

There are a few more.

I think I'm going to bring a recycling bin to NCCd on sunday for all of the water bottles we dispose of on a regular basis. I think it's time that God's people start respecting God's first gift to us. (edit: check this movie!)


wedding parties

I'm sorry for two posts in one day (again) but I just feel like I have some stuff I need to say to someone and as it is a little late right now (and I'm not sure if my mom has made it to California, yet), I'm going to type it out here.

Today was a good day.
but I think I'm in a funk.

I have wasted time.
I have spent time that I could have used to be a friend on the computer, on books, on guitar, on tv.
I have spent time that I could have been doing something productive or edifying...by moping and feeling bad about wasting time.

Garbage, I know.

I talked to a dear friend today. Once, she told me she wanted me to be in her wedding party. That is when we were really close. Since then, I've been in a funk and I've not really been a good friend. Anyways. She mentioned today that she probably wouldn't have me in there anymore.

Which doesn't really matter, because it's just a silly bridesmaid dress, but what does matter is why.
She mentioned having too many people, and someone else (a friend) that she felt needed to be in it more.

Probably because I've been in my own little world. Moping instead of just being a real person and engaging others. The sad part is this isn't the only relationship I've dropped over the past year. I'm really sad, and I want things to be different.

And part of this summer's goal is to start over, but I'm not really sure which part of me needs a complete overhaul. I like to pretend that I'm really awesome and don't have things to worry about and that I just think about Jesus all the time and everyone loves me...

but there is something more, another connection, and emotional ability that needs to be reforged. I have changed, and I feel like it is for the worse. In some ways for the better, but in others for the worse.

I just want to connect to people and not worry about my own selfish desires. I don't want to waste time anymore. I want to have real friends.




by Hillsong

Verse 1
I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Verse 2
I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity


Singing this song has a little bit more of a new significance, looking at where it shows up in the Bible, and what "Hosanna" means.

"Hosanna" mean, "rescue us". I don't know how many times you have felt lost and down and scared and discouraged, but Christ has come to rescue us!

The most familiar passage with this term in it is the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. The people are saying, "Hosanna, Blessed be the man of God who is come to save us in the name of the LORD!", laying down clothes and giving this Christ a regal entry into the city of God. And Jesus comes in and He weeps for Jerusalem because of the pain that has been and will be wrought within her walls.

And then he goes and runs the peddlers from the Temple, doing what Jesus does to make things right.

Christ is coming again. He will make things right. Will you welcome Him here? Will you give him regal entry, not just into this building, but into your heart? He will rescue us. He is rescuing us! He will clean out everything that opposes what God is really about. Be encouraged, and lift up your heart to Him!

p.s. i learned last night that the fish's name is lucy.