2.26.2009

four.

i typically don't like posting twice in a 24 hour period (or an 8-hour period, for that matter). i just felt like i needed to say stuff.

i couldn't sleep last night.

for some dumb reason, i was up until 4.

not that i made myself stay up to study or whatever, but i just couldn't sleep. my mind was whirling with excitement and energy...what for and what from, i have no clue, but most of my thoughts were revolving around one person.

i washed dishes, i worked on atlas, i studied some more, i prayed, and i even watched the finale of top chef 5. to no avail. i was wide awake.

and when i did fall asleep, my dreams were turbulent in-and-out visions, mostly centered around that one person. i prayed for her.

it was just odd, the last 8 hours of my life have been consumed, at least partially, with thoughts for someone else. i'm pretty sure it's unhealthy, but it was stuck.

so.

that's my story.

four hours of sleep,
countless dreams,
an exam in two hours,
wondering what it all means anyway.

all i need is wisdom.
that's all i want in life.
to make this stuff make sense,
and to know what is truly worth pursuing.

ohhh boy.

have a great day, friend! hopefully, i'll have a more interesting post later. and no worries, it won't be in the next 24 hours. Haha :)

atlas

working on a new song.

it's about carrying everything on your shoulders, forgetting that life can be so much more.

full of life and joy, not the head down, stuck in the mud, lost and confused and sad stuff we are confronted with on a daily basis.

i have a couple lines i want to use:
"atlas, with the world on your shoulders/atlas, don't you know it's making you older/all those worries and fears you keep for your own/storing them up like they're worth more than gold/don't you know there's a better way?"
and then this has been running around my mind:
"chasing the lights that accompany a starlit melody,
straining desperately to wrangle these feelings into a mason jar. "
but, who knows?

of course i would be worrying about this now, when i have a test tomorrow.

it's funny. i can't sleep. i've studied some, i probably could study some more, and probably will.

but doing well on this exam is important to me, because i want to make my professor happy. it's weird. i have this problem where i hate learning unless i have a really great relationship with the teacher, and then it's like, "ohh mann, gotta hit the books".

it's sick, really.

and that concludes today's meanderings into the awkward and crazy mind of beth.

thanks, and goodnight.

or good morning.

whatev.

2.23.2009

i'm in love.

it sneaks up on you.

big smiles.

2.16.2009

quotes from atheists.

i've been reading some quotations from people who don't believe in God.

it makes me sad.

because, you know what?

some of the stuff that we say we believe in really don't make sense. that a Being would make some lesser beings for kicks and giggles, and then set it up in a way so that if and when we messed things up, this Being would provide a way for us to be whole again. that doesn't make sense.

but a lot of the quotations that i read

were based on religion.

the choke-hold of religion.

not God.

not Jesus Christ.

but cold, complacent, ignorant religion.

Religion that refuses to answer questions.

Religion that quashes growth, connections and healing, because it's too busy following the list of do's and don'ts.

not the God that made everything so that we could explore it and learn from it and ask questions and find answers...answers that lead us back to God.

not Jesus Christ who said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

oh no.

As Christians, and not just Christians, but as seekers of any background, we must truly question why we believe what we believe and not hang on too tightly to the answers that make us feel better, but don't really mean anything.

There is an answer that satisfies the needs of all men. The answer is Jesus Christ.

The real Jesus. Not the one that we can sometimes make up because it makes us feel better about our lives, but the one that inspires and wants wholeness for our lives.

2.14.2009

February 14th.

hello, blogosphere. happy valentine's day, if you have a valentine. if you don't, like yours truly, happy one-more-day-that-even-if-you're-happy-with-your-single-status-your-unbelonging-is-rubbed-into-your-face.

bitter, me?

not really.

honestly.

i'm just frustrated. and curious. like...why does a holiday made up solely for the expansion of commercialized pocketbooks impact our moods so?

i don't know the whole psychological reasoning behind all of it, but i know being lonely hurts sometimes.

think if i'm ever in a relationship, i'm going to talk to my boy and try to ensure that i will have girl time with a whole bunch of my single friends, and that my boy has guy time with all of his single friends. that way, the fact that people are in a relationship isn't blatantly obvious.

and we have 364 more days to celebrate together.

but with all that said, i hope i remember this all when i fall for someone. <3

i love you.

have a happy day!

2.08.2009

Recycling. More.



Sorry if this is boring you.

2.02.2009

addendum?

thanks for the kind words and sweet encouragement. (or not so kind words and get-your-head-on-your-shoulders pep talks)

1.) don't worry, i'm finishing school.
2.) don't worry, i'm not concerned that my life is going to be awful. i know i'm going to have an awesome life. with you as my friends, and with God as my guide...even if i can't see where this stuff is taking me, i'm just going and doing one step at a time, and it's going to be good...nay, PHENOMENAL!

3.) in an unrelated note, i'm really nervous about playing at jittery joe's. i've considered backing out. i won't, but...i don't know how famous people do it. i mean, there are tons of people who do this stuff better than me. agh. any songs you recommend me to play?

4.) i've told my mom and my great group of 7 girlfriends from high school, but i'm going to be helping with the baccalaureate service for graduation. crazy! i hope it goes well :)

thats all...thanks for listening

have a great night!

beth

2.01.2009

done!


now for the programs.