3.24.2009

finishing well

is something that burdens my heart.

to finish well.
to put a bow on these years.
to know i did my best
with what i had
the people,
the opportunities,
the good and bad times.

that i had integrity
and love
and patience
and perseverance.

that i stuck with it

and finished.

and finished well.

from the beginning, i knew college was going to be okay for me grade-wise.
but i ended up not working and not studying.
and in a way, i feel like i blew it.

don't get me wrong. God is good.
i'm graduating with honors.
selected as one of the top environmental engineering majors.
and i'm pleased,
and thankful,
but not satisfied.

i know that there is no way in life that i can deserve everything good i receive,
and that any good i have comes from God,
but i wish that i knew how to make myself work.
what makes me tick.
how to get this sack of bones, muscles, tissue and fat
to move, dance, learn, play, work.
what does that?

i feel like i've lost something.
i've lost it as i've sought for it.

it's been a mix.
a mix of finding and losing.

and i feel like i've lost a lot more than i've found.

and something needs to be fixed.

but if it's going to bring me closer...to a fuller understanding of God,
i'll take it.

if it's going to bring others closer, to a fuller understanding of that God,
i'll take it.

if it's going to be okay in the long run, which i know it will, then
i'll take it.

but it hurts.

what have i done? what have i forgotten? what have i ignored and abused so that i feel this way? why, on my road to seeking wholeness, do i end up feeling broken and beaten, tired and dismayed?

wholeness. something other than what this earth offers us.

and yet there is hope.

i smile, because i know it all has meaning.
dag, i smile because i know it's going to be better.
there is that foolish hope that i delight in.
that He who began this work is going to complete it.

and
God,
I'm
begging
for
You
to
show
me
You're
completing
it.

i have a lot of decisions ahead.

Grad school
Art school
Engineering Job
Art Jobs
Macon
Atlanta
Houston, Texas
Winshape Camps

i don't trust myself.

i trust God,

but where is that line?

how long do i wait?

how long do i mourn my shortcomings?

how long until i realize and claim Truth for myself?

this is going to sound bad, but i'm going to say it anyway. i went to CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) a month or so ago. I've just been feeling so down about all this stuff.

and i mentioned something about faith,
and the counselor looked at me and said,

"so you're saying
that your expectations
are higher than God's?"

he said it was interesting how many times i used the word 'fail'.

i say this for no reason other than to point out:

there is something wrong.
and i want freedom.
i want to stop living like i'm god.
that i'm greater than God.

and to figure out what failure means in the grand scheme of things
and how to practice what i preach
and how to really live like Jesus is living in me,
to love,
and to live,
like i have so much to accomplish.

there is so much more.

i want to finish well.

3.19.2009

thursday.

i am tired,
i feel unliked and foolish.

i know i'm not supposed to depend on stuff like that, emotions and blah...
but i feel like i've poured a lot out and i can't find anything in return.

not that i'm looking for anything, but,
i wish that i just knew within myself that i'm okay.

when will i achieve that?

on a lighter note, i am working on a webpage: http://egrweb.mercer.edu/codone_s/tco285/spring2009/hyde/

on another note, the conference starts tonight.

yay.

3.15.2009

damage.

i was watching a special laaate the other night.

it was about that poor woman
whose father locked her in a dungeon
for
twenty-five years
and sired 7 children from her through force.
18-43. Those years, lost.

i really don't know why i'm talking about this here.
it makes me feel sad and uncomfortable.

but one thing a professional said about the matter,
after they rescued the woman and her children,
really struck me.

painful.

the woman giving her professional opinion on the issue said this,
"she is just so damaged..."
from the years of abuse,
from the anti-kingdom that is evidenced by this blatant wrong-doing,
that she may never live a normal life.

damaged.

un-salvageable.

the image in my mind is of a box wrapped over and over again with packaging tape, smashed, dented, weakened so that is stands crooked, dilapidated, and odd.

eggs that have been cracked after dropping them down the stairs.

damaged.

to imagine,
someone so broken and abused,
that the professionals say there is no hope of peace and happiness and normality.

that this isn't just imagination.
this is real.
and it's our job to help those in pain.

i can only hope
that this woman
can
heal.

i pray
that this woman
will be able to heal.

and that she will.

i hope that we step up and learn how to help those.
and help ourselves.

so that the kingdom of God may be realized on this planet.

ohhh boy.

damage.

3.08.2009

hey :)

Catherine_Cat,

Could you please email me? I'd like to discuss this matter. My email address is on my profile.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I was just trying to reason this through...trying piece together why things happen the way they do.

I apologize if I'm ill-informed, I just heard the number and it made me sad.
And from what I understand, trafficking is a business.

And with any business, when demand increases, supply must dutifully follow.

I don't know your background, and I understand that women make a living doing this, that not all prostitutes are trafficked, and not all massage parlors are brothels.

But when there is a relatively cheap source of labor, it will be exploited. Because when money, power and lust are on the line, people are no longer people. They are tools for getting ahead. And this isn't just true in the sex industry. This is true in the corporate America, in the agriculture industry, in everyday life.

The small people are overlooked.

We may need more laws and more protection for sexually-exploited men, women, and children, but until the john sits down with the woman and asks her if she is here out of her will, what is the solution for stopping the abuse?

3.07.2009

if you have to pay for sex...

you shouldn't be allowed to have it anyway.









Seriously.

Sex trafficking is the very epitome of rape and robbery.

I have some colleagues who are of the opinion that prostitution and pornography are separate from sex trafficking and all its issues. I, however, would like to propose that these "releases" aren't any better, and that, in fact, they are part of the problem.

The issue with sex trafficking isn't solely based on the idea that the government hasn't provided enough protection for these women and children or regulations on these businesses --although these are important steps in stopping this grave injustice--but the problem is the source for trafficking. The demand and desire.

Sex trafficking won't stop until it is no longer profitable.

It is estimated that slave traders make 5-20 times as much money from a woman as they paid for her. The global annual market for sex trafficking is estimated as at least 32 billion dollars. That's 32 followed with 9 zeros. $32,000,000,000.

Sex is profitable.

Women are often forced to "service" between 15 and 30 men a night, raking in big bucks for the pimp to pay off bogus, imaginary debts...money that they never see.

Why so many men?
Why so many women?

We don't look for a deep and lasting connection with one person: our society prides itself on wild living and sexual action with no strings attached. We have no control over our thoughts and desires. We want relief from the thoughts that run through our minds--we watch porn, we buy sex, we toy with commitment and lust and love. Pornography and prostitution have skewed our understanding of what is good and what is desirable.

Trafficking will not stop until it is no longer profitable.
It will not become unprofitable until we stop finding quick fixes for our deep seated needs and desires.

Brothers and fathers,
these women are our
sisters and daughters.

We need you to protect and love us.

Not use us,
not molest us,
not rape, steal and murder us.

We will love and support you.



Please.
to STOP sex trafficking, it begins with us.


3.05.2009

Dumb Sheep.

Ma-a-a-a-a-a-ah. I forget Your goodness so easily.

YHWH is my shepherd, i shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of YHWH forever.

-------------------
Scenes. Charlie Hall.

Chill and cold and flakes of snow
Ice and sleet, frost and cold
Each storm cloud and thunder bold
Lifts my mind to You

Every work and every power
Every second of every hour
Fall of dew and sweet rain showers
Lifts my mind to You

Summer wind, fire and heat
Autumn leaves and blooms of spring
Ocean waves and mountain streams
Lifts my mind to You

I see You in every scene
I bet You are thinking about me
I have such a shot memory
So You'll keep reminding me of You

As I lay me down to sleep
As I walk on city streets
As I laugh with friends and feast
It lifts my mind to You

As my children play and run
In the news with wars and guns
In the church where songs are sung
It lifts my mind to You

Deep inside the beggar's eyes
As for sweet love I fight
On the radio at night
It lifts my mind to You

I see You in every scene
I bet You are thinkin about me
I have sauch a short memory
So You'll keep reminding me of You

Painting pictures of your love
You lift my mind up
Reminding me of You
My heart comes alive

I see You in every scene
I bet You are thinking about me
I have such a short memory
So You'll keep reminding me of You