9.27.2009

Lover or Prostitute?

Oh, wow.

Check out this dude's words.

David Ryser


A little snippet to whet your appetite:

A number of years ago, I had the privilege of teaching at a school of ministry. My students were hungry for God, and I was constantly searching for ways to challenge them to fall more in love with Jesus and to become voices for revival in the Church. I came across a quote attributed most often to Rev. Sam Pascoe. It is a short version of the history of Christianity, and it goes like this: "Christianity started in Palestine as a fellowship; it moved to Greece and became a philosophy; it moved to Italy and became an institution; it moved to Europe and became a culture; it came to America and became an enterprise." Some of the students were only 18 or 19 years old--barely out of diapers--and I wanted them to understand and appreciate the import of the last line, so I clarified it by adding, “An enterprise. That’s a business.” After a few moments Martha, the youngest student in the class, raised her hand. I could not imagine what her question might be. I thought the little vignette was self-explanatory, and that I had performed it brilliantly. Nevertheless, I acknowledged Martha’s raised hand, “Yes, Martha.” She asked such a simple question, “A business? But isn’t it supposed to be a body?” I could not envision where this line of questioning was going, and the only response I could think of was, “Yes.” She continued, “But when a body becomes a business, isn’t that a prostitute?”
There is a lot of unpacking that follows. Wow.

red and yellow, black and white, they are all...

precious in His sight.

to consider myself precious. hm.

romantic relationships are a new thing to me. i really don't understand them in general. perhaps it is because i was shielded from that scene as a high schooler by my parents and myself. we weren't to date until we were 16, which was a great excuse for me, not that there was anyone interested in me, but it gave me something to hide behind when i was feeling insecure about my attractiveness or connection to anyone in general.

i was reading through a journal i found yesterday from the dates around my juniorish year. it is amazing how many of those destructive thoughts still circle my head, despite how far i feel i have come in the 6 years that have passed since then.

it's almost like i hate myself, and that there is nothing worth loving about me. it's like i sabotage myself and my relationships, calling people liars, that there is no way that i could ever be desirable or lovable.

but on the other hand, while i don't feel like i can be, i want to be treated like i am worth loving, worth protecting and worth defending. worth it. esteemed, respected, considered, cared for.

how sick! i don't know what it is, if it is pride, or just damage from being a broken person, but that i would pour out love over and over, be wasteful with my love from every point of my being, but cannot accept that anyone returning those feelings is doing so honestly. (i have explained at times in that it feels like any attention, affection or accolades I recieve feel like they are just a big joke that people are playing on me...that they just couldn't find something better, and that they're just putting up with me out of kindness. ha. yea, i don't understand it, either.)

i was talking to my mom about this yesterday, and she expressed that she often has struggled with the same thing, and that it has often hurt my father's feelings. Daddy may do or say something nice or loving, and she will blow it off, unable to accept it. It makes him sad or angry. An action performed out of love has not been fully appreciated because of the block in her heart or head or spirit to grasp it. Unable to fully hold onto the love and acceptance freely available for her.

well, dag. on several points.

1.) i have inherited stinkin' thinkin'. not just from my mom, but from the fact that i am a product of the fall, and i cannot attain wholeness apart from God. i see that it is wrong, but i don't know how to reverse it.
2.) not only do i do this in person-to-person relationships, i do it to God. the Divine Lover, who poured Himself out, in the stars that glimmer every night, in the protection and gifts He provides, in every painted sunset, in the fact that we [well, most of us] have five senses so we can enjoy the beauty of smelling fresh cut grass or hearing the roar of a respectably sized thunderstorm...and who poured Himself out, much like the sacrifices offered on the Old Testament altar...splayed open, broken, aching, wasted, drenched with lifeblood, meeting my greatest debt with grace, love and forgiveness.

and I tell Him He is wrong.
that His gift must have been mislabeled.
that there is no way He intended to provide me with such love and affection.

i am not ready for a romantic relationship.
it isn't fair to people that i would force such insecurities on them.
i want to be content in the love and grace of God before seeking it from man.

but again, that implies that i have to have everything figured out, and there are some questions that just aren't meant to be answered.


i'm just a silly girl.
oh, but sometimes my heart aches.

9.26.2009

The dude said, "Let me go, for the day has broken."

And Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

Lately, I feel like I've been wrestling with God, with all sorts of things. I think you've heard all of them before. Bible, Heaven and Hell, prayer, works vs. faith...all the simple stuff and the complex stuff, too.

Sometimes I wonder if I don't care enough to actually find the answers. Like, who are we? are we people - students, engineers, sisters, daughters, and friends - who just happen to be followers of Christ, or are we Christ-followers who just so happen to do things with our gifts, talents and relationships?

That may seem like it's mincing words, but how are we to spend our time?

Doing what we know to do and fitting God in whenever we have a free moment? Ignoring the questions and searching because we don't have time or resources? Or maybe that's for pastors and theologians and missionaries, and not for normal, boring people like ourselves.

Or are we to see ourselves as pastors and theologians and missionaries, that our priority be to love God first and pursue Him in all that we do, to continually ask questions and challenge ourselves and our faith...and to fully live in our talents and gifts He's provided to us...living in love and hope.

I feel like the answer is the second one, but that for some reason, it's not feasible.

Because God calls us to go. To step out in faith that He will provide and care for our needs, and it makes no sense because we don't understand the ways of God. (Thinking of Matt 22:29 - But Jesus answered them, "You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God...") And so we just have to do it. We just have to jump, to believe, to pursue and be pursued.

and then, at the juncture of faith, reason, wisdom and works, what are we to do, and how do we live? Do we just do stuff and hope (or just understand, maybe) that His blessing is on it, or do we looks always upward for miracles and other miraculous works?

In making the tabernacle, God put His spirit and wisdom in men to create and construct it. He provided them the tools, but I don't think it was a blueprint. He provided the spirit. And I think He provides us all with some sort of inspiration or muse. What we do with that is another story.

If only we all lived in light of the things that make us tick.

Still wrestling.

9.05.2009

evidence of things unseen

is faith in God blindly accepting what people say about what God does?

they name for you the attributes of God, and you just recite them as a mantra, until you make yourself believe it's true out of habit?

or is it okay to want to taste them for yourself?

does it make you less of a...pure follower if you want to actually experience stuff instead of just hoping it's not just made up mumbo jumbo from the heart of man's desire to be lifted from his depravity?

genesis 28:20.

jacob is fleeing esau, and he just wakes up from his nap with the rock as a pillow. and apparently, God has shown him that he's going to be the father of a great nation, and jacob says,

""If God will be with me and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, 21so that I come again to my father’s house in peace, then the LORD shall be my God, 22and this stone, which I have set up for a pillar, shall be God’s house. And of all that you give me I will give a full tenth to you.""

If God will do these things, then He shall be my God.

Am I allowed to do that?! If so, what do I ask for, so that I know that it is God, and not the voice of man?

9.02.2009

tshirts

this pisses me off.

what pisses me off the most about this video is that it was posted by a christian on facebook and the other comments that are being posted by christians on facebook. the comments are arrogant, ignorant, angry, and just plain annoying.

we've heard it all before.

we know you don't like obama.

let me tell you a secret.

i didn't vote for obama. i'm not his biggest fan.

but your bitching and moaning about OUR president does nothing.





in that same line of thought,

what differentiates us from the World that we say we despise so much?

we worry,
we covet,
we judge, condemn, lie and cheat.

and then we point the finger at the GLBT community,
adulterers,
politicians...

and we wonder why people aren't flocking to our church.

so we sink immense wads of cash and time into programs, trying to make people think that they must think the way we think, and they must listen to the music we listen to and the must have the same friends we have and run the same circles and vote for the same politicians...

we wonder why they don't want to partake in our ignorant, annoying, selfish ways.



the heart of the king is in the hands of God. He turns it wherever he will.
that's some Bible for you. Proverbs 21:1.

honor the king.
that's some more Bible for you.
1 Peter 2:17.

but there is more to that verse. it says:
Honor all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.

perhaps your lack of honoring the king is just a general lack of honoring all men, loving your brothers, and fearing God.

i hate to say it, but perhaps it's my problem too.



tshirts (what we should be known for) derek webb
they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours
who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare

they’ll know us by our picket lines and signs
they’ll know us by the pride we hide behind
like anyone on earth is living right
and isn’t that why Jesus died
not to make us think we’re right

when love, love, love
is what we should be known for
love, love, love
it’s the how and it’s the why
we live and breathe and we die

they’ll know us by reasons we divide
and how we can’t seem to unify
because we’ve gotta sing songs a certain style
or we’ll walk right down that aisle
and just leave ‘em all behind

they’ll know us by the billboards that we make
just turning God’s words to cheap clich├ęs
says “what part of murder don’t you understand?”
but we hate our fellow man
and point a finger at his grave

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
telling ‘em their sins are worse than ours
thinking we can hide our scars
beneath these t-shirts that we wear

9.01.2009

Song of the Day - Kingdom Come

or Prayer, whichever way you look at it.

oh, we long for more.

Kingdom Come (here it is on imeem!...i don't like listening on youtube. i feel like it ruins quality sometimes...but it's there, if you want it.)

Your love reaches out to me
Your grace has made a way to You
Made a way to You
Your word lives inside of me
Your truth is life to all to hear
Life to all who hear

We live for You
Live Your truth

May Your Kingdom come
And Your will be done
As we serve Your heart
Serve Your heart
Let salvation flow
As Your people pray
Lord we long for more
Long for more

In You death is overcome
No power can stand against Your Name
The power of Your Name
In faith we will rise to be
Your hands and feet to all the earth
Life to all the earth