9.13.2010

Lost!

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

Coldplay - Lost!
Viva la Vida or Death and All of His Friends

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I refuse to accept that my hangups are who I am.

I crave to be pure, set apart, secure.

But I'm tired of feeling like I have to convince myself of that truth.

Just because I'm tired of pursuing God doesn't mean my story is over.

But I'm tired. I've tried.

Everything in me is convinced that somewhere between my failure and my idiocy that I will be met by something greater.

But I fear collateral damage.

I fear the people my life could potentially hurt.

And I'm at a place
where part of me doesn't care
but the other part hates me everyday because I can't just do the right thing.

Because I'm tired of doing the right thing.

In Kenya, one of the houses had "Holiness & Repentance" painted on the wall.

At first, I thought it said, "Holiness is Repentance" and I was grieved. (It still is in my head as "is"...not that Holiness & Repentance isn't worth contemplating, also)

I regret the pride in which I wrote those letters that I sent to friends and family. I regret not guarding my heart. I regret feeling like I'm beyond some sins and not others.

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything
happens
for
a
reason.

It's like, whatever you set your mind to, you're going to end up doing.

I look at these kids. Toph is currently telling me about Pokemon. I don't want anything I do to ever impact them poorly.

Hell, I don't want anything I do to impact anyone poorly.

So why am I pissing away my life right now, hiding?

I don't want to feel like my life is the result of my gifts and talents, but I want to be innately and irreversibly aware of the power of God.

I have so many questions, but I don't even know what they are. I don't even know where to start.

I know what I don't want.

And that is me.