Passionate by Default

Rebuilding Faith

2011-06-19T23:36:00.000-04:00

One day, when I finally get on my spiritual feet again, I want a faith built from humility, peace, patience, quietness, and hope.

I am sickened by the amount of self-righteousness and condemnation I impose upon others.

Additionally, I am concerned about the amount of self-hatred I possess and often wonder if I made a good Christian because of that self-loathing or if I was filled with self-loathing due to misunderstanding my faith.

I want to be a safe place, a graceful person, someone who is wise and loves infinitely, who isn't concerned about selfish gain and seeks only to continue the never-ending, odd and sometimes unnerving love story we've dreamt, heard of, longed for and lived for so long.

To rebuild. Out of purity, love, respect, and hope. To cast out all that reflects pain, despair and depravity.

Learning to start again is difficult.

Pride is commonplace. I wish it weren't so.

Lost!

2010-09-13T21:18:00.003-04:00

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

Coldplay - Lost!

Viva la Vida or Death and All of His Friends

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I refuse to accept that my hangups are who I am.

I crave to be pure, set apart, secure.

But I'm tired of feeling like I have to convince myself of that truth.

Just because I'm tired of pursuing God doesn't mean my story is over.

But I'm tired. I've tried.

Everything in me is convinced that somewhere between my failure and my idiocy that I will be met by something greater.

But I fear collateral damage.

I fear the people my life could potentially hurt.

And I'm at a place

where part of me doesn't care

but the other part hates me everyday because I can't just do the right thing.

Because I'm tired of doing the right thing.

In Kenya, one of the houses had "Holiness & Repentance" painted on the wall.

At first, I thought it said, "Holiness is Repentance" and I was grieved. (It still is in my head as "is"...not that Holiness & Repentance isn't worth contemplating, also)

I regret the pride in which I wrote those letters that I sent to friends and family. I regret not guarding my heart. I regret feeling like I'm beyond some sins and not others.

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything

happens

for

reason.

It's like, whatever you set your mind to, you're going to end up doing.

I look at these kids. Toph is currently telling me about Pokemon. I don't want anything I do to ever impact them poorly.

Hell, I don't want anything I do to impact anyone poorly.

So why am I pissing away my life right now, hiding?

I don't want to feel like my life is the result of my gifts and talents, but I want to be innately and irreversibly aware of the power of God.

I have so many questions, but I don't even know what they are. I don't even know where to start.

I know what I don't want.

And that is me.

Logos

2010-08-31T09:31:00.002-04:00

Logos Bible Software is giving away thousands of dollars of prizes to celebrate the launch of Logos Bible Software 4 Mac on October 1. Prizes include an iMac, a MacBook Pro, an iPad, an iPod Touch, and more than 100 other prizes!

They’re also having a special limited-time sale on their Mac and PC base packages and upgrades. Check it out!

-------------------------

Yeaaaaaah that was totally the canned stuff from their website.

I'm thinking of another post. Wanted to put it together this morning, but I don't have time. (Yea, yea, I'm too busy entering giveaways. Hush.)

Go forth and win stuff!

coming home

2010-08-13T08:55:00.005-04:00

thoughts on war, fathers and running away.

spurred from a video on facebook.

1.) this video was sweet. yes, i cried. i always cry. i cried during the first clip. that's normal.

2.) i don't understand why we have to make the men of our families do this. i don't understand why we have to cause families such heartache and strain (emotionally, relationally...I can't count the number of boys i babysat as a kid who were unfortunate to train because their father was gone a whole heck of a lot) in order to "promote peace" -- the clip that really got me started on this one was the segment where the little boy ran into daddy's arms while he still held a gun.

love and war in a single frame?

2a.) it's almost like we need this. we need videos like this, we need closure. we need this emotional porn to make us feel like those few families that get their daddies back are okay. We're okay for doing this, and see, the families are back to normal and their bonds are even stronger.

the videos with dead or maimed soldiers, too. we force ourselves to think of them as honorable. what debt did they owe us that we coerced them to think they owed us their lives? that they fought for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...we'll extend that to religious and economic freedoms...is our foremost cry.

I can't help but wonder if we are trusting our government too much to provide the things of the world that we should not depend on. You could take it even further from physical rights to marriage rights and etc. To quote a tweet I saw online by Cole Nesmith: "Show me even once where Jesus petitioned the government to validate or support his message."

In the separation of Church and State, instead of allowing the Church to be our State, we've sought the authority of our State as our Church. As Keith Watson once said, "the dichotomy between the secular and the spiritual is false." you have some mix of the two. it's how you live.

3.) all that said, it's a beautiful picture when a child runs into a father's arms. some are hesitant, they haven't seen their daddy up close in months, if ever. some are uninhibited. passionate, running, crying, jumping. some grab him and wrap themselves around daddy, others just kinda hang there while he picks them up.

i guess, in the same way, we respond differently to God. sometimes we run. sometimes we wait. sometimes we're unsure if it's really him.

it always makes me think of the prodigal child.

especially now because I feel like I'm there. I'm a prodigal. I don't know what I want.

And sometimes I just want to be picked up.

finished aug-sept calendar

2010-08-06T14:37:00.002-04:00

atleast, finished for now. inspiration from this place: http://www.aucegypt.edu/academics/dept/pva/PublishingImages/Spring_Events_2010.JPG

finished neighBEARS

2010-08-05T09:55:00.004-04:00

I'm pretty pleased. :)

Be a Good NeighBEAR

2010-07-28T15:47:00.005-04:00

Sometimes the design process amazes me. It's like, insanity. And it's rarely planned. It's felt. Odd. Anyway...

Here's a little taste of what I went through today. I'm actually leaving out a lot. But...

I sketched like mad:

I then picked out some concepts that I enjoyed (the bear couple, for example):

I made a naked bear baby:

Gave him some adorable overalls:

I made the Adam an Eve:

And then, colored them all in...

I think I like them. ;)

2010-07-16T15:56:00.001-04:00

the botany of desire

2010-07-06T09:28:00.004-04:00

watched part of a documentary with lali and mom last night.

it's called "the botany of desire" and it's about the migration of apples, tulips, marijuana, and potatoes from their humble origins to agricultural industry giants.

addressing their fulfilling of the human desires for sweetness, beauty, intoxication, and control (respectively, re: the list above), the botany of desire talks about each plant and how humans crave them.

in regards to my own struggles, however, i was struck by a line: "sex creates diversity"

sex creates diversity.

it's not just about pleasure, it's about creating life. in the way the Creator creates life, honoring Him is about making opportunities to create life and create diversity.

when we claim that our innate desires are God's

that He put them there

and we don't deny them--

decrying them as false and unable to give life--

we are erring.

i am errant.

i had two bad dreams last night:

1.) I was in a haunted house and the comfort that God was with me was not a prominent feeling like it normally is. I even woke up and was scared to get out of my bed.

2.) I was in the middle of an affair.

cryptics, code, and folly.

my heart hurts.

hot wings

2010-05-19T12:04:00.002-04:00

i feel tired today.

last night, i had a really bad dream. it was really, really bad. first bad dream i've had like that in a while.

i have an idea for a fun post...so i will do that soon.

but for now, here is a funny picture of me, mary cate, and sean kennedy. MC and i are eating hot wings. :)

because i "have time"

2010-05-14T00:00:00.004-04:00

hahahaha. "have time"?

not really, but because i feel like i do,

i recently purchased three or four books from the internet.

bumping back the queue that i've had on deck for the past two years.

anyways.

new book to be read...it looks short:

i'll keep you posted on what i think about it. :)

for posterity's sake

2010-05-04T11:49:00.000-04:00

womans' times

2010-05-03T12:12:00.006-04:00

WARNING: T.M.I. AHEAD

Do not read if you are easily grossed out or made uncomfortable about things having to do with menstruation, sex, and awkward situations.

Or if you are going to complain about me talking about it. Fair warning, quit now. Maybe I'll have a better post for you next week.

Maybe. Maybe I'll just stick with awkward topics for the rest of my blogging career. Heck yes!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

are you all gone? okay. cool.

I promise this will be slightly entertaining. Maybe skip towards the end, where I'm just talking about getting KY Jelly. That part is the most funny.

For the rest of you still around, I started my period this past week. I'm not so good at counting the days or whatever, so I still can't figure out when I'll have my cycle for the month of June--which, as you probably know, I'm going to Kenya that month!

and this poses all sort of moral and ethical issues for me regarding how I should best handle my period (if i have it--i'm praying I don't) during my trip. I am really concerned about waste disposal (they don't have plumbing and garbage disposal programs...no landfills or anything) and comfort/hygiene (pads are gross. fabric pads are grosser.).

So, with that in mind, I've come up with a few feasible solutions:

1.) ~~Get pregnant~~

2.) Use something like a diva cup

3a.) Use tampons with applicators

3b.) Use tampons without applicators

aside from the fact that i can't get pregnant as that would be silly, diva cups require access to soap and water, and tampons with applicators yield plastic and paper waster from the packaging and the applicator.

so, i decided it would be a good idea to learn how to use applicator-less tampons. I would produce less waste, not to mention how discrete they are in comparison to ones with applicators!

in an attempt to get used to them, i have been trying to use applicator-less tampons for the past two cycles, and just haven't done it right. I wasn't getting them far up enough, it was uncomfortable, blah, blah, blah.

so i did some research.

looking online, one website suggested using some KY Jelly as a lubricant. Genius!

Now, I don't have KY Jelly. I have had no need for it, as people mostly talk about it in use for sex and enemas and stuff like that. I am pretty sure i've never had an enema, and I'm a little more sure that I've never had sex.

So I asked my mom.

I know she has sex because I have two little brothers.

And she said she didn't have any, but I could use coconut oil. Ummm. I just didn't really want to use any of that.

So I needed to buy some KY Jelly.

I went to Kroger. They have a self-check out--human contact could be at a minimum, I could just go in, grab it, talk to the little non-judgmental lady in the computer at the self-scan, and be on my merry way to a happy period.

I get to the pharmacy section and all the sex-related products are locked in a display case. I don't have my glasses on because I just came from aerobics, so I do a pass to see where everything is, and then try to see if maybe there is another section with lubricants and stuff elsewhere. No.

To make everything better, all of the people waiting for their prescriptions in the pharmacy have a clear view of what I'm looking at. Awkward. I try the case, but it's definitely locked.

My mind is spinning. Why is it locked? Are they going to ask me questions about what I need and why I need it? Will I have to fill out a questionnaire? Will they want to call my mom? Will 0they ask for an ID? I don't have my ID. I'm so ill-prepared...

What would I say? Oh. I would play it off. "Yes, I need lubricant for the copious amounts of sex that I have with my copious amounts of partners." yes. That's what I would do. Maybe if I spoke breathily or moaned a little bit, that would serve me well.

About this time, I realize that this is completely silly, and I am not needing this for illicit means, but only for stupid womanly functions that [most] women would understand. So I approach the tech at the desk. I speak with confidence:

"Hey, I need some KY Jelly."

she acts like i just unveiled a deep dark secret she's been hiding for years. like a sex tape of her and her boyfriend or something.

"Oh...uh...it's um...not unlocked?"

"No, it's pretty well-locked. I tried. Could you please unloc-"

"Oh, yeah, we should get that unlocked for you..."

she grabs some keys and nervously throws them at me. I smile, get what I need, re-lock the case, and return the keys.

Part of me wished it was a teenage boy so I could wink at him or something.

I also realized that, while down there, I should've grabbed eight boxes of condoms and a couple pregnancy tests.

But I was home free. I paid the computer (at this point, I would've gone to a cashier if the lines weren't so long...), it was even generous enough to provide me a $5 coupon for the special lubricants that make you all tingly. I then jumped into the van, giggling like I had stolen something, and told my mom about the adventure I had just had.

I also gave her the coupon, in case she needed it.

I hope that little purchase goes on our family's record at Kroger so when the send us their bimonthly mailings, we'll have coupons for lube.

So there you go. tampons, KY Jelly and T.M.I.

You know you love me. I hope you got a laugh out of this, too.

Spires [Edit]

2010-04-27T15:00:00.001-04:00

Lali was right. It needed a giraffe.

Spires

2010-04-26T23:53:00.003-04:00

Book cover for the new Undergraduate Journal that Mercer will be publishing this year.

Imagine this, folded in half hamburger style and then wrapped around the book part. ;)

Roots

2010-04-25T20:53:00.002-04:00

I've been really enjoying Shawn McDonald's most recent cd, Roots. Some smooth jamming with great lyrics, I think you should check it out, too. :)

Clarity is the first track on the record.

Enjoy.

Well, I'm just a simple man with a simple plan, trying to find my way home

And this dusty, dirty way, with nothing left to say, I stagger and I roam
And I'm tired, and I'm worn and my clothes are kinda torn
From this long, hard road
My arms and legs are weak, I continue to seek, and leave behind this load

I need clarity and truth to be, and peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come, and hate to be done,
And love to guide my soul
I want love, yeah, I want love

Standing on the battle line I fight for my aching to be free
From this war that I face as I long to embrace and be with my King
And this fire in my soul, Desire to be whole is deep within my bones
And I long to be near as I cast away my fear, running for your throne

I need clarity and truth to be, and peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come, and hate to be done,
And love to guide my soul
I want love, yeah, I want love

I need clarity and truth to be, and peace to make me whole
I want freedom to come, and hate to be done,
And love to guide my soul
I want love, yeah, I want love
I want love, yeah, I want love
I want love, yeah, I want love
I want love, yeah, I want love
I want...

heavy.

2010-04-13T21:13:00.002-04:00

heart feels like lead.

sinking.

it's like something is sitting on my chest.

i don't know if it is guilt, stress, sadness, confusion, or desire.

i wish i had the guts to talk about this openly today.

but i'd rather not.

redemption

2010-04-11T19:18:00.003-04:00

i went to my home church today.

Southside Baptist in Warner Robins.

it was great.

Pastor brought a good message.

(Don't give up your future for the present. Your vision should be to see God, not for fleeting pleasures...things that DO feel good, but will not last)

after the service, I said hello to a few people.

I saw Mrs. Dale, and true to our nature, we were both crying after fifteen seconds of discussion. No joke. It's just something about her sweet spirit. She can say, 'hello' and I'll tear up.

I also talked to Pastor. Funny story, he randomly met Laura (Dr. Lackey/the professor-friend I've been working with this past year) a month or so ago at a meeting for the city of Warner Robins, and they talked a little bit about the Kenya trip (and subsequently how freaking awesome I am...or not...).

But, so Pastor was already familiar with what I'm doing.

And so we continued talking, and after mentioning that I'm really involved in New City Church Downtown, he said, "I know about you, Beth, I keep up with you--I see videos and stuff and I would comment on them more, but I don't want you to think I'm a stalker..." and it was so cute! :)

But the conversation kinda turned to the great place that SSBC is and how it has served as a great foundation for me -- spiritually, relationally, and musically.

And he was just so proud about Southside, and was just bragging on it. But not bragging on numbers or music or money. It was like I heard him saying, "Have you seen how we've changed? Have you seen how different we are? Listen and look and see the type of people that we have worshiping here. They are all different. They are from different backgrounds, and different communities. They have different hang-ups and different lives all-together. But something is happening. And it's happening for all of us."

And I felt something stirring in my heart.

Gratefulness for the part that I had in life at SSBC, thankfulness for what God is doing in SSBC, EXCITEMENT about what God has in store for all of our lives. Not just at SSBC or NCCd, but all across the world.

I felt redemption moving.

I hope you feel it, too.

There is so much left to do.

Take Back the Night, Macon

2010-04-10T13:04:00.003-04:00

T-Shirt for the Macon event -- this Thursday!

I'm bummed I won't be able to make it, but if you're around, you should support them!

For more information about TBTN, check them out on the web at http://www.takebackthenight.org/history.html

NCCd Sermon Series Graphic

2010-04-10T12:59:00.002-04:00

I kinda like it. Inspiration from: http://www.kardoayoub.co.uk/design/trendy-poster.jpg

mistakes

2010-04-03T17:34:00.002-04:00

two things have happened in the past twenty-four hours that i haven't been able to shake from my mind.

the first was a dream that i had about my uncle and aunt.

the second was a song that we're playing at new city tomorrow.

both "experiences"--if you want to call my dream and the recollection of the song, experiences...I'm not really sure what I should call them, realizing the feelings caused by these..."events" (?)...are real, but the actual stimuli, themselves, are not. I also feel that by the very nature of this discussion, my grammar is going to be pitiful. I'm sorry.

the bottom line is this:

the dream

and

the song

--both--

reminded me of what a pitiful creature I am.

Here are the stories behind why these two events hit me so hard:

Backstory #1

A month or so ago, my uncle (the one in the dream) messaged me on facebook, basically telling me and my sister that we are intellectually dishonest and naive, and that our views are on the slippery slope to pain.

It came out of nowhere, to me. I felt attacked, I felt misunderstood, I felt persecuted. He lives on the other side of the country. How could he tell who I am and how I aspire to live in love aside from his limited view of my life on facebook?

On top of all that, he is a smart man, a knowledgeable man, but as sometimes (as is the burden of such scholarly types), he is very wordy. Traditionally, phone conversations and email exchanges are unwieldy, long, one-sided discussions, where he provides you the answer. The answer to what you should eat, what computer you should buy, what medicines you should take, what aspects of faith you should follow. I would like to know where I err, but feared that opening this door to discussion would suck me dry of time I already struggle to manage and energy that I already struggle to expend, rightly, on the things that I love and enjoy, and that are in front of me, here.

So I clammed up. I said a few things and then refused to pursue or allow him to pursue the situation more.

I labeled my uncle, feeling I didn't have the time to address every point of failure in my walk, and justified it by knowing he had labeled me because there was no way that he could know who I am in "real life."

For a while, I've just wanted to call him and say, "I'm sorry. We've both made assumptions about the other that may or may not be true, and can we just start over? Can we just start at the very beginning of a relationship and pretend like none of this happened? I'd like to learn about who you really are, and I'd like for you to learn about who I really am, and facebook is not the place to learn that."

It's also hard, because he lives three hours behind us, so times that are convenient for him are not as convenient for me. AND, unfortunately, my feelings are hurt. I don't want to willingly subject myself to his backhanded humor (like when i called the other day at 5pm EST, and he was understandably busy--we all get busy--he asked me to call in, like, 5 hours, and I said I couldn't, and he said, "why? are you busy?" and it made me so mad. Yes. I am busy. I would like to go to see my family. We were having a party for lali. Or maybe I'd like to go to sleep because I have practice in the morning...)

So, mistake #1. I want people to love me and look past who I have been known to be and know that I am continually learning and growing...but I often fail to extend that opportunity to other people.

I hope to call my uncle again, soon. Perhaps he will call me. I really don't know what to do there. The dream just made me feel even more uncomfortable about reaching out at all...and I know it's just a dream, but still...

Backstory #2

The summer before my senior year in college, I lived in an apartment on campus with another RA who really was a great girl. She was studious and helpful, loved God, arranged a celebration for my birthday, and just...all that stuff.

That summer, I would sit outside on a little hill next to our apartment and play guitar. The song that really hit me at that season of life was Hosanna by...(hillsong? i can't even remember now.). I would play it a lot.

I also did a lot of other stuff by myself.

I often kept the door to my bedroom locked.

I was selfish with my possessions.

I also made fun of her for how lovey-dovey she was with her boyfriend.

(Which, EVEN IF it was over the top, that is mean, and I know it now...)

and one day, she got upset with me about it.

and things haven't felt right ever since.

granted, I haven't talked to her in two years,

but

that was a summer that I sang songs about the King of Glory and new revivals and praying and seeking God,

and I was heartless

and selfish.

and so, mistake #2: not loving people unconditionally, and loving my comfort more than a relationship.

i often think about her and wonder if i should write a letter to her in apology.

i also often think about my life and how strange it is that sometimes i feel incredibly close to God and i look back on those times and feel sick for the ignorant arrogance I displayed in having that thought.

i also sometimes wonder if I think too much.

I want to love people.

and

I want to have no regrets.

but in the same breath that I utter those desires,

I thank God for mistakes

and for second chances,

but mostly for mistakes that don't feel like they can be fixed...

because surely it softens the heart

and makes you conscientious of things to be aware of in other relationships.

and thank God for the promise of hope and joy and peace

in the midst of a world of troubles.

world-views

2010-03-29T11:26:00.003-04:00

there is one stream of thought that says what you feel is who you are. you cannot deny evolution, nature, nurture, and your inner being.

there is another stream of thought that says what you feel is who you once were. but through Christ, you are denying evolution, nature, nurture, and your inner being so that you can be more like Jesus.

you are not who your mom or your teachers or your pastors or your guilty conscience say you are.

you are who Christ says you are.

and that is His.

choose your world-view.

one leads to hope and growth.

the other leads to apathy, despair and death.

love and let yourself live, friends.

why do you seek the living among the dead?

2010-03-24T10:53:00.002-04:00

for those of you that know me, you know that i've spent the last few days traveling.

while driving by myself, i brought some good jams -- some old, some new -- ...music that I haven't really been able to listen to in the manner i would like, for lyrics and for bass-lines. :)

and i found myself really enjoying Derek Webb's newest cd: Stockholm Syndrome.

I don't know if "enjoy" is the right word. i am convicted, burdened, and hopeful as a result of his lyrics. I like the style. Electronica is fun. :)

Webb got huge press with the song, What Matter's More -- where he used the words, sh** and da**, and seemingly supports the GLBT community by telling all the "Christians" (who are calling out gay people for sin while "denying all the dying of the remedy") that their priorities are in the wrong place.

The songs are thoughtful and thought-provoking. I'm still trying to listen and sort them out.

Jena and Jimmy is incredibly intriguing ("if you give me your love, and i'll give you my love/gonna take one kiss to shut you up", but also possibly discussing Civil rights?); Spirit vs. Kick Drum is convicting ("I don't want the Spirit, i want a kick drum/I don't want the Son, I want a jury of peers/I don't want the Father, I want a vending machine")...how often we live that way.

But the song that has really struck me this week is Freddy, Please.

DWebb wrote it about Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church...you know them. The ones who picket at soldiers' funerals and proclaim that every problem we've had--every natural disaster and every death--is due to homosexuals and homosexual sympathizers.

There is a line in it that says,

"The stone's been rolled away/And you're picketing my grave for loving the things you hate/But why do you seek the living among the dead"

and, geez.

Yes.

We get frustrated with the world for not "doing holy things" but the holy things are not to be expected from people that don't know God! They are dead. Dead people can't do anything. They do what they can do. And that is to be dead.

It's different to call out a [person who wholly follows Christ] on having an abortion or being a drunk or fostering an illicit relationship than to call out a [person who finds no value or joy in Christ] - we are set apart to show people what life could look like in light of Christ. Joy, hope, peace, miracles, wholeness. Lives free of addiction, free of hate and malice, free of pride and bondage.

Living in community and in love.

And we picket the things that we say God says are wrong; we complain and get uncomfortable to be around them...and rightly so! They should have no part in our lives...but we cannot and do not have the authority to remove them from the lives of people who don't think that Jesus is the one way to wholeness. Only God can do that -- for the heart of every man is in His hand.

Our judgment of the world around us is putting the cart before the horse.

We want "them" to get to know Jesus, but to clean themselves up at the same time. Immediate gratification.

We want great stories to tell people, stories with bows on them. Stories like the ones that Billy Graham can tell--we said a few words and 100000 people came to know Christ.

But that isn't where the transformation into the life of Christ occurs.

It's happening today. Now, fifteen minutes from now, tomorrow, next week, and next year. We are seeking to be made new--transformed. We have stuff and ways that we think that are bad. They are of the world. Some of us struggle with gluttony or laziness. Some of us struggle with pride. Some of us struggle with sexual sins. Some of us struggle with wanting to meet our own needs over the needs of others, and some of us struggle with not taking care of ourselves, and to only care for other people.

Some of us struggle with all of the above.

But all of us struggle.

and we are learning.

we are growing.

we are fighting pains, addictions, and pressures that are not necessarily borne from our wrongdoings, but just from the very fact that we live in a fallen world. Rape, murder, natural disasters, accidents, incest, molestation, suicide, depression...we are constantly affected by these things and we didn't ask for them.

but we move on.

we fight.

every step is a battle.

but Christ is the center and the head.

we are to seek to live in a way that is wholly pure and directed towards being like Him.

as Christians, the only label we should allow on our life is "Christ-follower".

everything else:

Glutton
Sluggard
Homosexual
Adulterer
Cheater
Liar
Murderer
Deviant

is to be laid at His feet, and buried with Death.

Our fulfillment doesn't come in chasing the desires that our instigated by our flesh, but from chasing God.

We are not the world.

We must not seek the living among the dead.

But we must seek to bring the dead back to life.

And there is only One who can do that.

and while we wait and we seek to bring other people to this Love that we know,
we are to walk alongside our brothers and sisters who may falter, who may be stuck in sin and in bondage,

because we are often stuck in sin and bondage, too.

but there is hope for us,
and just like there is hope for us,
there is hope for our friends and family who feel there is no hope.

Jesus came to seek and save those who are lost.
He came for the sick.
He came for the hurting.
He came to renew our minds and soften our hearts.

May we seek the same.

BEARSTOCK

2010-03-17T23:29:00.000-04:00

2010-03-17T22:49:00.002-04:00

i am so frustrated about so many things right now.

mostly, i am sick.

secondly, i feel weighed down by complaints from myself and others. as i complain here. sorry.

thirdly, sometimes i feel like how we are supposed to live is so clear, and sometimes it just isn't.

fourthly, i have a lot to do.

fifthly, i don't know. my heart just feels heavy.

i suppose i should unpack a few things. i would like to. but mostly, i just wanted to share, somewhere, that i'm frustrated, and couldn't do it on twitter or facebook, because people actually read that and i didn't want to seem too complainy. ugh.

thanks for listening.

maybe i'll share something poignant here, soon.

bearstock

2010-02-10T16:05:00.002-05:00

what do you think?

i hate him.

2010-02-10T11:19:00.007-05:00

The passage I read today in 1 Kings 22 was pretty interesting.

And the king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, “There is yet one man by whom we may inquire of the Lord, Micaiah the son of Imlah, but I hate him, for he never prophesies good concerning me, but evil.” And Jehoshaphat said, “Let not the king say so.” (Verse 8)

This probably shouldn't make me laugh, but it kinda does. In my head, the king of Israel (Ahab) sounds incredibly whiney. He's gathered all of these prophets. Like 400 of them, and they're all before the two kings, saying, "oh, yes! Go to war! You will win!" and Jehoshaphat (king of Judah) is like, "ummm, are there any prophets of like, the God that we base our whole culture on?" And Ahab is like, "aw, man! there's one, but he always shoots me down when i have these ideas. i haaaaaaaaaate him." (as an aside, that just made me think of this video...HAHA)

it made me think of the people in my life that i can't stand sometimes because they tell the truth about my situations back to me, and sometimes i don't really want to hear it.

who is that person in your life? why won't you listen? and why does the truth hurt so much sometimes?

I love my job! :)

2010-02-06T21:11:00.002-05:00

Mary Cate - Me - Mattie

because I like you

2010-01-29T14:47:00.003-05:00

Sometimes doing my job is hard, because I do everything that I can and don't feel like I like what I do and that I'm not the best person for the job.

and I came across this guy's blog. I really like his art, and this quotation really spoke to me and my heart:

It’s because being an artist is hard.
I think the process of being a creator is a process of sacrifice. There is sacrifice in the time it takes to prep and make art. A financial sacrifice on materials, space, tools. A sacrifice relationally with people… taking time away to make work. It’s choosing to deny other things to do this one thing. It’s a giving up of other things. And with all this sacrifice it sucks when you come across someone else’s creation that’s amazing cause your like “why do I keep doing this when they’re around?” Why all this hard work when this person is kicking butt in my field? Seriously God. Couldn’t you just let me do something else? You got them making stuff. Why do you want me to create?
And this is where the Almighty gave me an amazing response. He said “because I like you.”

Hitler and a hope greater than war.

2010-01-22T07:44:00.002-05:00

You may remember a frustrated post I wrote up this past fall about being pro-life and anti-war and how my mom said i was apathetic and what would i do if I was around during Hitler's day.

And i had no good answer.

Many people laud Deitrich Bonhoeffer, a great theologian, for participating in a plot to assassinate Hitler, which failed. And it's been hard for me to reconcile faith and war for a while, any conclusion I came up with made me feel like a traitor and compassionless hippie.

But I've been reading a book called Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne, and it helped to solidify my stance and understanding of how being anti-war is being pro-Christ. For your reading pleasure:

And we would say Deitrich Bonhoeffer also had a strong case when he tried to kill Hitler and could very well have invoked God's blessing on his operation, but he did not. As one committed to the cross and to the nonviolent, nonpassive love of Jesus, Bonhoeffer felt a paralyzing conflict: what to do in the face of such evil as the Holocaust? Bonhoeffer remorsefully plotted the assassination of Hitler. In stark contrast to the invocation of blessing on violence that we hear today, Bonhoeffer made it clear that what he was doing was evil and sinful, but he felt left with no choice. He didn't ask God's blessing; he asked only for God's mercy. And he and his co-conspirators planted a bomb under Hitler's desk, hoping to rid the world of evil with their own hands.

The documentary film Blindspot presents the provocative, heart-wrenching memoir of Hitler's secretary, Traudl Junge. In it, she remembers the assassination attempt (on July 20, 1944). She recalls how the bomb exploded in such a way and at a precise moment that Hitler narrowly escaped. She says that after survivng the attack, Hitler was more convinced than ever before that God was protecting him and his mission (with a triumphant smile Hitler showed Mussolini the site of the bombing). It fueled his reign of terror and confidence in his mission. Violence galvanized his violence. Ms. Junge says that after the bomb attempt, "Any hopes for peace were lost." Hitler rolled forward with record fervor to "rid the world of evil." Another attempt to pick up the sword went haywire, not only fueling further bloodshed, but costing our brother Bonhoeffer his own life as he was executed by the Nazis. Once again the cross lost, and the Devil laughed." (p. 202-203)

Earlier in the text, the authors state that "God called [His followers] out...to bless the world (not 'rid the world of evil'). God set them apart with a new law, a new culture, a new destiny that was nothing short of the redemption of the human race." (p. 31)

so that's all i have today.

trying to figure out what life means in light of the Gospel.

i may need to take some drastic measures--changing what i wear and what i eat, what i feel i'm owed and who i owe.

for the kingdom.

How He Loves

2010-01-21T23:39:00.004-05:00

He is jealous for me

loves like a hurricane, i am a tree,

bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

getting out of the car today,

it was windy and rainy

and i pulled up my umbrella to try and save my hair from the rain

(we're all a little bit vain--and i have a good excuse! i was getting my picture done for my passport stuff!)

and the wind kept bowing the umbrella up.

and so it was basically useless.

and my hair was getting wet.

and i thought about the lyrics to this song.

I also am very fond of the part where we sing,

when Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

and i don't have the time to maintain these regrets

when i think about the way He loves us

a friend once laughed about that line "sloppy wet kiss". David Crowder changed it to "unforseen kiss"... but "sloppy, wet" is amazing imagery.

Heaven meets earth -- God became man

like a sloppy wet kiss

passionate, unreserved, undignified, and full of love.

what a silly way for God to promise to uproot the oppression of this world...

but my heart aches to be close to that love.

and i don't have time to live for things that will not satisfy the way He will.

Oh, how He loves us.

[if you've never heard it before, the song is by John Mark McMillan]

cleansing.

2010-01-19T11:30:00.003-05:00

the past few years have been weird for me. a lot of soul-searching, a lot of refusing to believe what i've always believed, a lot of testing the waters and just trying to figure out what i believe and why.

it's been a hard go of it. i've struggled through all sorts of things, from sexual orientation questions and faith issues like prayer and "why Christ?" to political and social/cultural situations.

while i have by no means resolved all of these questions, i'm definitely at a place of peace and eager desire to learn. which is funny. for a while, i appreciated the consistency of knowing exactly what to believe.

but now, i think i'm more comfortable with the "why" of belief. i heard a quotation the other day..."a man can get through any 'hap if he only has a why".

and it's so true. i don't just follow the rules the Church lays out or do the things that make me feel spiritual because i have to. that is the what. i'm after the why.

i am a new creature. i'm chasing after God. i'm a part of something bigger. i am loved and cherished. i am capable of great things, and it isn't dependent on me, it's dependent on a God who loves people apart from our idiotic desire to make God's decisions for Him.

i am not made to be satisfied by myself, another person, or anything i can eat, drink, or aquire. i will only find this in being satisfied with God. a Christian Hedonist. Knowing that my greatest pleasure will be in Christ and in nothing else.

Christ is the why. perfection is unattainable. but i can pursue the best life for me. it is there for the taking. it may require some order, and some conventional wisdom, but that's okay.

picked up a new Bible yesterday. i woke up early today. i read and underlined some proverbs. i got the boys breakfast. i walked and ran and talked with a woman i met. and the cold air brightened my eyes and reminded me of fresh starts. the sun was dappling the sidewalk through the trees and reminded me of the beauty that God has made for us to enjoy.

i can live the best life God has for me. it's mine for the taking. and it's not just the freedom that i enjoy here...freedom of health and rest and wisdom and beauty, but it's the freedom to love and be loved and to associate myself with Christ.

so. there.

new start. every day is a new start.

we are new creatures.

Proverbs 6

2010-01-16T10:20:00.003-05:00

16 There are six things that the LORD hates,
seven that are an abomination to him:
17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue,
and hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked plans,
feet that make haste to run to evil,
19 a false witness who breathes out lies,
and one who sows discord among brothers.

Proverbs 1-3

2010-01-15T06:26:00.003-05:00

A few things that spoke into my circumstance today.

1:7

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.

3:5-8

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your waysacknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

3:13-18

Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding, Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her; those who hold her fast are called blessed.

More Psalm 119

2010-01-13T09:47:00.002-05:00

A lot of Psalm 119 is about being righteous and walking in His commandments, and thus God should bless the writer.

It got me a little sad, because today I wasn't feeling very victorious.

And then we got to the end.

There is hope for lost sheep.

¹⁷⁵Let my soul live and praise you,
and let your rules help me.
¹⁷⁶I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant,
for I do not forget your commandments.

Psalm 119 excerpts

2010-01-11T09:19:00.003-05:00

Beth (yes, I like this one because the Hebrew letter Beth is my name...haha)

⁹How can a young man keep his way pure?
By guarding it according to your word.
¹⁰ With my whole heart I seek you;
let me not wander from your commandments!
¹¹I have stored up your word in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.
¹²Blessed are you, O LORD;
teach me your statutes!
¹³With my lips I declare
all the rules of your mouth.
¹⁴In the way of your testimonies I delight
as much as in all riches.
¹⁵I will meditate on your precepts
and fix my eyes on your ways.
¹⁶I will delight in your statutes;
I will not forget your word.

...

He

³³ Teach me, O LORD, the way of your statutes;
and I will keep it to the end.
³⁴ Give me understanding, that I may keep your law
and observe it with my whole heart.
³⁵ Lead me in the path of your commandments,
for I delight in it.
³⁶ Incline my heart to your testimonies,
and not to selfish gain!
³⁷ Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things;
and give me life in your ways.
³⁸ Confirm to your servant your promise,
that you may be feared.
³⁹Turn away the reproach that I dread,
for your rules are good.
⁴⁰Behold, I long for your precepts;
in your righteousness give me life!

...

Kaph

⁸¹My soul longs for your salvation;
I hope in your word.
⁸²My eyes long for your promise;
I ask, "When will you comfort me?"
⁸³For I have become like a wineskin in the smoke,
yet I have not forgotten your statutes.
⁸⁴ How long must your servant endure?
When will you judge those who persecute me?
⁸⁵ The insolent have dug pitfalls for me;
they do not live according to your law.
⁸⁶All your commandments are sure;
they persecute me with falsehood; help me!
⁸⁷They have almost made an end of me on earth,
but I have not forsaken your precepts.
⁸⁸In your steadfast love give me life,
that I may keep the testimonies of your mouth.

what i think about in the shower.

2010-01-08T08:29:00.003-05:00

Matt. 22:15-22

Then the Pharisees went and plotted how to entangle him in his words. And they sent their disciples to him, along with the Herodians, saying, “Teacher, we know that you are true and teach the way of God truthfully, and you do not care about anyone's opinion, for you are not swayed by appearances. Tell us, then, what you think. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?” But Jesus, aware of their malice, said, “Why put me to the test, you hypocrites? Show me the coin for the tax.” And they brought him a denarius. And Jesus said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?” They said, “Caesar's.” Then he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.” When they heard it, they marveled. And they left him and went away.

-----------------------------------------

so.

taxes,

legal age limits for smoking, drinking, and all the rest,

drugs,

speeding,

the justice system (so murdering, kidnapping, rape, burglary, etc...),

whatever else the government monitors...

we are to give it up to caesar.

the worldly government is already monitoring our physical actions, promising punishment for failure to comply, and as an authority, we as humans should be willing to to either do good for the government we love, leave in search of a better government, or face the evils and encourage change for the rest of society.

and i could talk a lot about things we should change and shouldn't stand for.

but that's not what I'm thinking about today.

today, I'm thinking about the fact that we, ourselves, as followers of God (and bearers of the divine image), in fact bear HIS likeness and inscription.

that our whole lives are to be wholly committed to making God known. in what we do in front of people--how we speak, eat and drink, work, act, play, live (in addition to all the other things we should do as we "render unto caesar")--and in what we do when people aren't looking--the only word that is coming to mind here is "addictions".

so, i think that is all i had on my mind today.

it isn't just about being a law-abiding citizen, doing good things so that society can run well (which is important, but leads to religion, and self-righteousness, not Jesus).

it's about wholly pursuing God in every aspect of our lives, which, ultimately, we will always fail at, but again, it's the heart.

or something like that.

but the phrase that was stuck in my head: "whose image and likeness is on this?"

who do you belong to?

affection.

2010-01-04T11:36:00.003-05:00

chapter one

by shane and shane.

inspired by john 1:18

stir my affection

stir my affection
stir my affection for You
for You're my only hope

You Yeshua
explained the way He moves
as just an ordinary man
then again, You're the first, Jesus
and by Your hand we move
You're the image of the invisible God
You are God, You are God

bring fascination
bring fascination
bring fascination of You
for You're my only hope

Ninjas.

2010-01-01T10:04:00.002-05:00

the scene opens...for some reason, I'm chasing this dude. We both have samurai swords. One is green and one is black. Through some random happenstance, I end up with both swords, and I kill him.

Ugh. I kill a man.

In real life, I've never killed anyone...that I know of. I pretty much try to do things that are...legal...and...nice. But in this dream, it was apparently my job. Kinda like how Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to work and it turned into a command center for assassin operations, I went to work every morning at an unassuming brick house.

In this dream, I was going to work, and for some reason, the boys and lali were coming with me. Mom was dropping us off. Odd. Anyway, I show up to the house, and I felt nervous from killing that guy. Nervous and paranoid. I just knew that I was going to walk in that house and there was going to be a trap and I was going to die, and worse, my little brothers and sister were going to die. And I couldn't find the key. So I had to go find the hidden key behind the garden hose on the side of the house. Hahaha. I think that's funny. Coming back around the house, there are maintenance men--like, three of them--who are sitting on their truck, and they're actually making fun of me. They know that I'm nervous and concerned and their making fun of me. And toph can tell, and he gets visibly nervous and says he just wants to go home, and that's it. I immediately run out to the edge of the lawn and yell for my mom to come back and pick up the boys and lali. But she can't hear me. And the windows are open, and I yell louder, because I need her to pick them up. Surely there is a reason that those men are making fun of me. I don't want them to die.

It would be my fault.

So I'm yelling as loud as I can and now I'm crying and she turns the corner because she can't hear me.

And then the dream ends.

yuck.

Psalm 13

2009-12-31T10:13:00.002-05:00

How Long, O LORD?
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

I like Shane and Shane's version, here.

Psalm 67

2009-12-30T15:51:00.002-05:00

May God be gracious to us
and bless us
and make his face to shine upon us,

Selah.

that your way may be known on earth,
your saving power among all nations.
Let the peoples praise you, O God;
let all the peoples praise you!

Let the nations be glad and sing for joy,
for you judge the peoples with equity
and guide the nations upon earth.

Selah

Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you!
The earth has yielded its increase; God, our God, shall bless us.
God shall bless us; let all the ends of the earth fear him!

Maybe I'll do this often, like a journal.

2009-12-30T12:04:00.003-05:00

More meaningful statuses from facebook in the past year.

Taken = (the theatrical trailer) + [liam neelson (killing roomfuls of people at a time) + (driving backwards and recklessly through Paris)]

has realized she may be a full-blown cynic and doesn't know how to shake it. Where did it start? How does it end? I hope the answer is God.

/When Satan tempts me to despair/and tells me of the guilt within/upward I look and see Him there/Who made an end to all my sin/Because the sinless Savior died/my sinful soul is counted free/For God, the Just, is satisfied/to look on him and pardon me.

dances to the music during the end credits of kids movies with little brothers, and laughs when her mom shakes her head and comments, "you are never going to grow up, are you?"

draws, packs, plays, sings, bakes, sits, skips, loves, reads, writes, hopes, prays, dances, and thinks about what there is to miss, but more-so, what there is to gain.

has mercer all to herself tonight.

graduates from college today; [insert something cheesy about goodbyes being backwards hellos and ends being new beginnings, of love and love lost, and hope for a beautiful future.]

just got back from kindergarten graduation and wonders what percentage of kindergarten graduates already have employment for the fall.

draws figure eights with her index finger on the countertop while she tries to figure out the best way to tell you what she wants to say.

dreams that she lives in color, but always ends up painting her day in black and white.

has a heavy heart. It's amazing how music can bring back so many memories--both good and bad--all while encouraging us to live, hope and dream.

is achingly aware of time, and has yet to come to terms with the understanding that ignoring the clock wont stop it. Thanks for the love, friendship, and memories, my sweet Mercer family.

is thankful for friends that aren't afraid to ask the hard questions, even when there is a strong possibility we won't find the answer ourselves.

is posting a vague status to tell you how she feels about that in general.

would like your input on the following statement, and if you can direct her to more reading on it: "women reflect a part of the character of God that men alone cannot."

wonders at how much cold stone reflects her heart, and how no human hand--even hers--can ever heal that.

is trying to remember that today is Eden, the Exodus, the Exile, Christmas, Good Friday, Easter, and Pentecost. Hope has come and hope is here, even if the chocolate easter bunnies are now on sale.

Here is hope and love, the promise of new life and Truth that conquers our fears and failings. Here is the yearning for something better on Good Friday, and the understanding that Resurrection Sunday is everyday in our hearts. Praise God!

thinks today is a great day to breathe the air in deep and let the sun dance on your shoulders.

may be a bad influence, but would love nothing more than to slow down time and spend it all just like tonight: with little brothers dancing on her coffee table

doesn't do grammar and mechanics very well. Just think of it as artistic licence. She also can't spell, and had to look up how to spell licence.

would, very much so, like to have your love.

would like...well, she doesn't know what she would like. But it's not that.

the proper way to toast bread: it is NOT done by putting the bread in the oven on broil, playing guitar, & then letting the smoke detector signal doneness...

wonders what type of world thinks it's acting justly when torturing men is banned, but torturing unborn children is encouraged. Who are we to choose who dies?

has "a dream that one day...the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope." thanks for casting a vision, rev.

Status Updates.

2009-12-30T11:40:00.003-05:00

Beth Hyde

just made some indian food for dinner with Melissa Hyde. We're thinking of opening a restaraunt called Second to Naan. Or maybe we'll bring it to a naan-denominational church. And if you ask what's in it, you'll have to sign a naan-disclosure agreement.

would like to vault over the couch in the living room, but knows the mother won't approve. QUICK! WHILE SHE ISN'T LOOKING!

knows the square peg doesn't fit in the round hole, but still does everything in her power to fight the way things are.

You're an idiot if you make fun of Hellen Keller. "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." - Hellen Keller

: armadillo, kemps, kumquat, kemps, stops, holy guacamole, butternut squash, stops...no lie, sam taylor and i rocked that hardcore. :)

going for a morning run is always so much more fun when you get to see real live turtles and pass flowers that smell like grape lollipops.

the distinction between the secular and the spiritual is a false dichotomy. #nccd

"there's a disturbing trend, boss. The last 3 days, my screensaver has kicked on at 4min57sec, not 5min."-daddy re:life as a gov't employee

everyone wants to feel like they play an important role go the world's story. Why, then, do we insist on living such small, selfish lives?

is so tired of feeling like she is making up answers and trying really hard to make herself believe they are truth.

the dreams flit around my head like lightning bugs; wishing there was a way to catch them in mason jars.

the funny christopher QotD: "if a kid likes soup, you can just leave a soup trail to wherever you want them to go!" HAHA! SOUP!

[atheists & charlatans, communists & lesbians, & even old pat roberson, oh God, he loves us all.] the michael gungor band http://ow.ly/ju9h

sharing in the joy that comes from the gospel: http://ow.ly/ihee; thankful baptism isn't a point of drudgery, but of hope and celebration!

is finding the line b/w condemning comfort & the crushed spirit of a cynic is quite blurred when you're trying to explain life w/o grace.

thinks of duke nukem or the terminator when she thinks of angels. Not fairies or waifs or beefy babies. Darn you, Renaissance!

wondering what it means to live in the world and not of it, while living like i belong to the world to take care of it. [finished ishmael]

"Remember how much I wanted an all red billiard room with a giant stuffed camel..." watching The Jerk, amazed at the young Martin & Peters!

All because I was looking for this!

needs to figure out how to recenter, relearn, or just flippin' start over...faith, family, friends...I need help! Any suggestions?

Stephanie L. Webb Not a clue...but let me know when you figure it out. My attempt is moving to another country...haha
Hannah Rose Marney You need to hang out with me more.
Samantha Beck Support group!
Philip Benjamin Reese Gummi Bears.
Gordon Johnston Trust yourself. Hand others along as you have been handed along. Read 1 John. Also Annie Dillard (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek) and Peanuts.
Whatsoever things are good, think on these things. Find one beauty every day, recognize it, and write it down. No abstractions and nothing "virtual" -- a concrete, sensory beauty witnessed in the real world.. Sing with your spirit. Also sing with your mind. Breathe like a Buddhist. Learn what to leave out. Laugh at yourself. Don't waste your failures. Watch "Annie Hall." (It saved me fifteen years.)
Diana Long Personal Relationship with Jesus. Helping and being there for Others. Remembering to care for Yourself. Oh, I see - that's how you get TRUE JOY! Taste and see that the Lord is GOOD! Get yourself to a full gospel, Bible believing church. Ground yourself in the Word of God and surround yourself with fellow Believers - then you will grow in the right direction.
Jay B Bargeron Take a long walk by yourself, where you will be unlikely to encounter others. Use this time on the walk to think and sort things through. Another suggestion is to start a private journal. My final suggestion: out of all these suggestions your friends have posted, do only one at a time!
Amber Powell girl, i could write a book on this! ♥
Rachel Hopkins Garza Let something go. Even if you think there is nothing you can release. Make it happen and it will make a world of difference.
Melissa Thompson Hey Gordon-- that was great (it's me phylis, i mean melissa!) Beth-- surround your self with people who can positivetly influence you and good music helps too!
Beth Fulton "The soul is like a wild animal - tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient, and yet exceedingly shy. If we want to see a wild animal, the last thing we should do is to go crashing through the woods, shouting for the creature to come out. But if we are willing to walk quietly into the woods and sit silently for an hour or two at the base of a tree, the creature we are waiting for may well emerge, and out of the corner of an eye we will catch a glimpse of the precious wildness we seek." (Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak, p. 8, read it!)
p.s. looks to me like you got a lotta people that care about you ;-)
Beth Hyde Thank you for the wisdom, friends! [and thank you for allowing me to call you 'friend'!] and for those of you who said anything remotely close to, "hang out with people", you are now on my speed dial.

This makes me giggle everytime I see it.

2009-12-26T08:50:00.002-05:00

December 23, 2009

2009-12-23T09:35:00.002-05:00

we were in a downtown community, and there was a parade going on! it was sponsored by Disney, and everything was free.

i was walking up and down the street, visiting vendors, and i come upon a stage set up for a band.

the Key, a band from Mercer, gets up and plays. and then Mac Powell, the lead singer from Third Day sings a song that was really familiar to me, and that I told myself in my dream that I should learn how to sing, but I can't figure it out. And then, I get up on stage with--i think--the New City band, and we rock it. And it was awesome.

and then the community turned into a house, and I went upstairs, and there were wrought iron fixtures and stuff, and i was climbing all over them, and...that's all i remember.

david

2009-12-19T09:58:00.002-05:00

i was reading the Bible today: a few psalms from yesterday that i didn't finish, and the part of the history of Israel where God tells David that one of his sons will make a temple for God.

and i wonder about how Israelites viewed david. and how he was translated to a messiah figure.

they sure exalted him to a pretty prominent position in their hearts, memorizing psalms about him and his struggles, about how God favored him, and about how God would bring rightness to the world through his lineage.

it makes me think of Bono or Mac Powell or any number of "Christian" artists.

maybe even Amy Grant, whose "unforgivable sin" plunged her from musical fame ten years back.

why hasn't she been forgiven, and yet, David has, and we base so much of our faith on him?

we are always looking for idols or people to live up to, because we are too lazy, busy, or cowardly to live big and live our dreams ourselves.

was it the people's realization that we are always looking for something bigger than ourselves that caused the outward turn towards believing that God had a Messiah for us? the knowledge that our hearts yearn for completion and God's favor?

curious.

procrastination

2009-12-17T23:07:00.001-05:00

something in this called to me.

http://thewaysheseesitintexas.wordpress.com/2009/11/14/psychology-of-a-failure/

my parents were never druggies and always gave me plenty of attention, but i wonder how i got to be who i am...in some ways, i am amazed at the similarities between my heart and this girl's.

Dreams

2009-12-17T09:32:00.002-05:00

occasionally, like many people, i have some crazy dream, and i remember it after i wake up. sometimes they are funny, sometimes they are sad, sometimes they are just really weird.

i figured it might be fun to log them. so i think i may on this blog. it could be dlog blog. :) get it? a dream log blog? haha. anyways.

starting off last night's dream...

ACT 1

I am in a school. It might be my highschool. If so, I'm on the front hall, but there are lockers. There aren't usually lockers. And there is a bathroom. With a window in it, facing the hall, without blinds (i know! crappy planning on their part)...i really have to pee, so i ignore that fact and go anyway, and then there is a guy looking in the window. i get pissed off (haha, no pun intended, but that was a funny one) and i go tell him off. (i think he's the guy in the STOMPFEST flier i'm working on...the one i need a good picture of and Cara hasn't provided me one yet) I don't remember how that one ends.

ACT 2

I am back in the bathroom. (maybe i should have gone before falling asleep?) i'm not using it, but i think the purpose is to transition me from my school, to a room in some sort of hotel/condo/apartment complex to which this bathroom belongs. there is a couch in the room i walk into. wooden floors, a desk, it's all very nice. there is also a back deck and huuuuuuge windows lining the back wall. pretty. there is an old man smoking a cigar on the couch. i have no clue who he is.

something something, my uncle is there, we meet some people, exchange video games, and talk about all the meaningless things you talk about in dreams.

and then before i know it, uncle jeff is telling us we need to leave. now.

apparently, in an attempt to reinvent himself, he is setting fire to the building using a cigar. and he timed it just right so...blah blah blah.

(for some reason, we didn't tell him to put out the cigar. DON'T MAKE FUN! THIS IS MY SILLY DREAM!)

and we jump in a car and drive away, fast! but not before waiting outside for what seems like forever...i think we were waiting for my mom.

anyway. we're in the car and we speeeeed down the road, which looks like we're going west on walnut street in downtown macon...and i tell him that if he is trying to lose some one, we should hit the interstate. at which point the roads become hallways in a really big house and we are evading these women who look like they are looking for someone (presumably us).

and then my mom shows up with a bag of batteries and tells me i need to replace all the batteries in the house with these already-used batteries because they were linked to uncle jeff and noone would think to look at our toys and appliances for evidence.

so all of them go off somewhere (i think the little boys had joined us by now, and much like in real life, would not sit still) and i am holding a bag of batteries.

and one of the women comes in the room and says, "hey, look at that bag of batteries!" and i'm like, "yea, what of it? i have [magically appearing] unused batteries and a whole collection of rubber stamps in the bag, too!"

and she's like, "hmmmmmm suspicious" and i break down and i'm like, "ah, i'm so sorry, i'm so so sorry, it was my uncle jeff and he's over there and i don't know what's going on, it was like this crazy attempt to fix life and waaaah..."

and the lady is like, "it's no big deal, we found the cigar before it caught too many things on fire. your uncle is just going to have to pay for the damage."

and then i woke up.

hahahaha.

Psalm 15

2009-12-17T09:16:00.002-05:00

Who Shall Dwell on Your Holy Hill?
A Psalm of David.

O LORD,who shall sojourn in your tent?
Who shall dwell on your holy hill?

He who walks blamelessly and does what is right
and speaks truth in his heart;

who does not slander with his tongue
and does no evil to his neighbor,
nor takes up a reproach against his friend;

in whose eyes a vile person is despised,
but who honors those who fear the LORD;

who swears to his own hurt and does not change;

who does not put out his money at interest
and does not take a bribe against the innocent.

He who does these things shall never be moved.

"Seven Blunders of the World"

2009-12-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle

—Mahatma Gandhi

entertaining

2009-12-14T08:17:00.002-05:00

yesterday, after church, a woman came up to me and told me that i was very entertaining to watch.

and my heart stopped.

it was totally conflicted with how to respond.

i can't really say "thank God", because she totally wasn't saying it helped her worship; just that it was fun to watch.

and saying, "thank you", would imply that, yes, i am up there to entertain you.

and then i couldn't help but second-guess what i do on sunday mornings and why i am up there.

part of me does like to entertain. i am a people pleaser, and i love seeing people smile and hearing them laugh...how much of that is translated into when i play on a stage in front of 100+ people?

and i want to say, "nothing".

i hope i can.

i don't play or sing or dance to entertain, ever.

i do it because my heart feels it, and i want other peoples' hearts to feel it, too.

and my heart feels it because i want to be close to this big God. the things that we sing about, the drive, the emotions, the calling and the draw, it's all real. and i don't understand it. i don't know what it means, but my heart beats to express it.

and all i want is to help people feel the same way.

but i wonder if my freedom in this context is distracting. i wonder if i should re-evaluate how i lead worship.

because i know that my heart is a liar,
and sometimes i don't really know why i do what i do.

but i want God to be made known.

because bethhyde is just a punk kid, and her memory will not last but a few more years.

but God?

He's big, with big plans.

spiritual

2009-12-13T08:17:00.002-05:00

today, as i was in bed, telling myself to get up,

somewhere in between being awake and asleep,

i was reminded that all of my pulling away
has been
because i don't like how "being spiritual" makes me feel.

it makes me feel good.

reading the Bible,
having good things to say,
doing things right.

so i stopped all that.

and now i feel awful.

but i don't want to pick up "being spiritual" again in that manner.

i want something life changing
new
fresh
hard to handle
unwavering
undeniably real
and unregrettably radical.

i don't want to just live how i live and sprinkle a little Jesus on it.

i want the whole thing.

braindump

2009-12-12T08:32:00.002-05:00

i was flipping through some sheets of paper looking for chords to some songs that we will be playing at new city this weekend, and i found a letter that i started to write my mom a year ago. since coming to college, she felt like my beliefs and ideals had changed drastically and that she didn't know who i was or what i believe, and that i needed to write her a letter. so i attempted to, and apparently never finished and subsequently never gave it to her. i have been in a throw-away-anything-that-you-don't-need kick, so i wanted to toss those pages, but i also wanted to chronicle those thoughts, which you may have seen on here in one way or another.

as always, your thoughts and opinions are important to me; i definitely don't have everything ironed out and seek to learn more. :) so, hurrr.

Dear Mom,

You wanted a letter about what I think and what I believe. This year has been really hard on me. I feel like I've been pulled in all sorts of directions. I think a lot of it is actually depression, but whatever. I've been pulled around, and while in some areas I feel perhaps I've taken two steps back, I know that it is for the better and one day I'll be able to help other people through my struggles with religion, politics, and cultural standing in the eyes of others. Without further ado:

Religion

Jesus Christ is the fulfillment of everything every religion and every person has ever hoped for. He is completion, joy, restoration and hope. Oh! and Truth and Love. Right now, I cannot say that people are going to Hell physically, but that without Christ, we have no choice but to follow our weird passions and ideas--and those are inherently evil (the absence of God) and we can't help but to succumb to a helpless life --> hell on earth. Hell in our hearts. There are many "Christian" who live with Hell in their hearts. J.C. said in john 17: "this is eternal life: that you know God and that you know that one whom he has sent." Knowing God through the understanding provided by Jesus Christ allows us to live love, life, joy and home. Every religion is like a reflection in a broken mirror. They have aspects of God, but cannot fully identify His bigness. Even Judaism and Christianity have stuff missing--God is too big for our Holy Book or traditions; HOWEVER, I believe the Jude0-Christian faith is the most complete out of all the world religions as I mentioned earlier, because Jesus is the completion of everything God ever promised. Muslims who are truly seeking God run into Jesus. The only thing bad about Islam is the emphasis on personal works and duty and submission (okay, that comment was short-sighted. there is a bit that i think is wrong or weird with Islam...) but I think it is wrong and straight up weird that as Christians, we pick sides and say, "Oh my God, you believe in Allah, you're going to Hell," when we are/were on that same path. I feel like we have a fear and anger and disgust directed to their Culture. And I think that wasn't instilled by God, but by our government, which trickled down through church leadership that encourages it's people to vote on 2 key matters rather than an all-encompassing platforms, which leads me to talk about politics!

Politics

As I just mentioned, people take sides. It's what we do. It's how we're wired. One group is good. One group is bad. It's why we have sports. I rooted for this boxer and he won--yeaa!! People get more concerned about winning than about what's at stake.

Whoever yells the longest and loudest and brainwashes the most people into thinking he'll lead this country into goodness and awesomeness and favor--with man and with God--wins. But that depends on perspective. There is no way we can know who "we" are "putting into office". We don't know their true character.

Ummm. Don't get me wrong. I love America. I love the people who think they're doing a good thing over there. I just think we can do so much more. We need to stand up against the idea that one man and his close companions can provide us the "change" that we need to have a well-run country. We need to have an active part in the inner runnings of the U.S. as we can incite change within ourselves. I think that when we step up and are active in our lives and in the lives of others, it isn't going to matter if abortions or gay marriages are legal. People fully cognizant of the love and grace of God through the encouragement and tutelage of their brothers and sisters will understand the fullness and extent of God's love--and that doesn't mean unrestricted freedom, but rather pure love and freedom rooted in Romans 15.

Freedom rooted in pure love.

This may sound well put together [like I know what I'm talking about and I will stick to it always], but there is a lot I'm still working and struggling through.

And that was it. All I wrote. Wow, that was a lot to type.

Get Me Right

2009-12-11T10:08:00.006-05:00

by Dashboard Confessional

I made my slow way home
Limping on broken bones
Out of the thickest pine
Across the county lines
On to your wooden stairs
I know you can repair
I know you've seen the light
I know you'll get me right

Right
Right
Right

I own a sinners heart
I know the rain falls hard
I know the currency
I know the things you'll need
I hope he hears my prayers
I see you cut your hair
I know the saving type
I know you'll get me right

Right
Right
Right

But, Jesus I've fallen
I don't mind the rain if
I meet my maker
I'll meet my maker clean

But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I'll need my maker

To cure of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins I love
And take from me my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up the side of me
And whispers it convinces me I'm

Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right
Right

(Youtube Vid)

i am tired of fighting.

2009-12-06T18:27:00.002-05:00

i wish it wasn't so easy to forget who i am and who i can be.

i wish this world didn't offer these things that are so tempting.

i wish that i didn't want to experience everything and that just hearing someone tell me what is right would make me want to do it.

i wish that it was easier to feel like i fit in with people who love God.

i wish that it wasn't such a struggle to choose between fleeting pleasures and a big God.

i wish that God was more tangible and that it wasn't so hard to make myself pursue Him.

i may be tired,

but

i hope that i never give up and stop fighting.

i have made concessions.

i regret losing ground.

i want to be a picture of Love and redemption, peace and joy.

but today i feel tired.

i want Jesus.

i want to know what that means.

goes together better than a horse and carriage.

2009-12-05T19:48:00.003-05:00

in an age of pre-nups and 24-hr marriages, what is marriage supposed to look like?

or love, for that matter?

we have this vague sort of "the one" pipe dream that permeates our culture, coupled with a yearning for instant gratification and a growing trend in selfish tendencies (think Christmas = consumerism, how abortion is a big enough issue that we have to vote on it, and the sheer number of those who are poor and homeless, not only because they may selfishly seek to fulfill their addictions, but because there is no God-centered help from them on the other side, just Christmas shoppers paying them a dollar to get out of their face...).

how does this affect love and marriage?

what is love? when you love someone, what does that look like?

all sorts of things, right?

hours of text messages or talking on the phone. little notes in lunchboxes or on car windows. gifts and dates. completing favors. cooking dinner. gushing about them to friends and family. pictures together. inside jokes. finding you are mimicking them even when you don't mean to. planned trips. impromptu trips. deep conversations about what you like and dislike and what they like and dislike. learning about them. about their faith. about their life and why they are who they are. about their dreams. dreaming for them, especially when they feel like they can't do it themselves. changing a godforsaken soiled diaper or the puked-up sheets in the middle of the night. sharing your favorite things with them. delighting in their favorite things that they share with you. learning new things together. winning games. losing games. being right. being wrong.

all that warm fuzzy stuff.

but we all know that after a while, that warm fuzzy stuff isn't enough to carry a relationship by itself, because we get busy or distracted, or irritated by the things we once found cute, or maybe we become insecure in the relationship and push everyone away because we can't handle the thought of losing someone on their terms and not ours.

so what carries us?

if love is so big, surely that means we only just defined part of it in our list, above.

love is the hard things, too.

love is giving up what we want most because it will be better for other people. it is telling them "no" when you know their actions will hurt themselves or others in the long run. sometimes it is telling them "no" when all you really want to do is say "yes". love is refusing to pour another drink or buy them a pack of cigarettes, and sometimes it is forgoing that piece of cake because their health matters more. it is meeting their needs and putting them above yours. it is refusing comfort in order to teach them--and to learn yourself--how to live a better life. it is accepting that they will never be just like you, and they will never meet all of your expectations, and sometimes they will hurt your feelings.

and sometimes it will hurt like hell.

and sometimes you will just be disinterested.

but something holds you together.

something bound you at the heart.

it is love.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." (1 Cor 13, the Message)

i desire to love fully. to love God fully, to love others fully, and to one day love a lover fully.

to be characterized by love, and to be known and make God known as Love.

to be inseparable from Him and He from me.

to be one.

better than a horse and carriage.

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

2009-12-04T12:47:00.002-05:00

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff? by Shane Claiborne

To all my nonbelieving, sort-of-believing, and used-to-be-believing friends: I feel like I should begin with a confession. I am sorry that so often the biggest obstacle to God has been Christians. Christians who have had so much to say with our mouths and so little to show with our lives. I am sorry that so often we have forgotten the Christ of our Christianity.

Forgive us. Forgive us for the embarrassing things we have done in the name of God.

The other night I headed into downtown Philly for a stroll with some friends from out of town. We walked down to Penn's Landing along the river, where there are street performers, artists, musicians. We passed a great magician who did some pretty sweet tricks like pour change out of his iPhone, and then there was a preacher. He wasn't quite as captivating as the magician. He stood on a box, yelling into a microphone, and beside him was a coffin with a fake dead body inside. He talked about how we are all going to die and go to hell if we don't know Jesus.

Some folks snickered. Some told him to shut the hell up. A couple of teenagers tried to steal the dead body in the coffin. All I could do was think to myself, I want to jump up on a box beside him and yell at the top of my lungs, "God is not a monster." Maybe next time I will.

The more I have read the Bible and studied the life of Jesus, the more I have become convinced that Christianity spreads best not through force but through fascination. But over the past few decades our Christianity, at least here in the United States, has become less and less fascinating. We have given the atheists less and less to disbelieve. And the sort of Christianity many of us have seen on TV and heard on the radio looks less and less like Jesus.

At one point Gandhi was asked if he was a Christian, and he said, essentially, "I sure love Jesus, but the Christians seem so unlike their Christ." A recent study showed that the top three perceptions of Christians in the U. S. among young non-Christians are that Christians are 1) antigay, 2) judgmental, and 3) hypocritical. So what we have here is a bit of an image crisis, and much of that reputation is well deserved. That's the ugly stuff. And that's why I begin by saying that I'm sorry.

Now for the good news.

I want to invite you to consider that maybe the televangelists and street preachers are wrong — and that God really is love. Maybe the fruits of the Spirit really are beautiful things like peace, patience, kindness, joy, love, goodness, and not the ugly things that have come to characterize religion, or politics, for that matter. (If there is anything I have learned from liberals and conservatives, it's that you can have great answers and still be mean... and that just as important as being right is being nice.)

The Bible that I read says that God did not send Jesus to condemn the world but to save it... it was because "God so loved the world." That is the God I know, and I long for others to know. I did not choose to devote my life to Jesus because I was scared to death of hell or because I wanted crowns in heaven... but because he is good. For those of you who are on a sincere spiritual journey, I hope that you do not reject Christ because of Christians. We have always been a messed-up bunch, and somehow God has survived the embarrassing things we do in His name. At the core of our "Gospel" is the message that Jesus came "not [for] the healthy... but the sick." And if you choose Jesus, may it not be simply because of a fear of hell or hope for mansions in heaven.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe in the afterlife, but too often all the church has done is promise the world that there is life after death and use it as a ticket to ignore the hells around us. I am convinced that the Christian Gospel has as much to do with this life as the next, and that the message of that Gospel is not just about going up when we die but about bringing God's Kingdom down. It was Jesus who taught us to pray that God's will be done "on earth as it is in heaven." On earth.

One of Jesus' most scandalous stories is the story of the Good Samaritan. As sentimental as we may have made it, the original story was about a man who gets beat up and left on the side of the road. A priest passes by. A Levite, the quintessential religious guy, also passes by on the other side (perhaps late for a meeting at church). And then comes the Samaritan... you can almost imagine a snicker in the Jewish crowd. Jews did not talk to Samaritans, or even walk through Samaria. But the Samaritan stops and takes care of the guy in the ditch and is lifted up as the hero of the story. I'm sure some of the listeners were ticked. According to the religious elite, Samaritans did not keep the right rules, and they did not have sound doctrine... but Jesus shows that true faith has to work itself out in a way that is Good News to the most bruised and broken person lying in the ditch.

It is so simple, but the pious forget this lesson constantly. God may indeed be evident in a priest, but God is just as likely to be at work through a Samaritan or a prostitute. In fact the Scripture is brimful of God using folks like a lying prostitute named Rahab, an adulterous king named David... at one point God even speaks to a guy named Balaam through his donkey. Some say God spoke to Balaam through his ass and has been speaking through asses ever since. So if God should choose to use us, then we should be grateful but not think too highly of ourselves. And if upon meeting someone we think God could never use, we should think again.

After all, Jesus says to the religious elite who looked down on everybody else: "The tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the Kingdom ahead of you." And we wonder what got him killed?

I have a friend in the UK who talks about "dirty theology" — that we have a God who is always using dirt to bring life and healing and redemption, a God who shows up in the most unlikely and scandalous ways. After all, the whole story begins with God reaching down from heaven, picking up some dirt, and breathing life into it. At one point, Jesus takes some mud, spits in it, and wipes it on a blind man's eyes to heal him. (The priests and producers of anointing oil were not happy that day.)

In fact, the entire story of Jesus is about a God who did not just want to stay "out there" but who moves into the neighborhood, a neighborhood where folks said, "Nothing good could come." It is this Jesus who was accused of being a glutton and drunkard and rabble-rouser for hanging out with all of society's rejects, and who died on the imperial cross of Rome reserved for bandits and failed messiahs. This is why the triumph over the cross was a triumph over everything ugly we do to ourselves and to others. It is the final promise that love wins.

It is this Jesus who was born in a stank manger in the middle of a genocide. That is the God that we are just as likely to find in the streets as in the sanctuary, who can redeem revolutionaries and tax collectors, the oppressed and the oppressors... a God who is saving some of us from the ghettos of poverty, and some of us from the ghettos of wealth.

In closing, to those who have closed the door on religion — I was recently asked by a non-Christian friend if I thought he was going to hell. I said, "I hope not. It will be hard to enjoy heaven without you." If those of us who believe in God do not believe God's grace is big enough to save the whole world... well, we should at least pray that it is.

Your brother,

Shane

Posted using ShareThis

Psalm 19

2009-12-04T10:28:00.003-05:00

The Law of the LORD Is Perfect

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

¹The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
²Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
³There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
⁴ Their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
⁵ which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.
⁶Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them,
and there is nothing hidden from its heat.

⁷ The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
⁸ the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
⁹the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
¹⁰More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
¹¹Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

¹² Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
¹³Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!
Then I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

David and Jonathan

2009-12-01T22:33:00.002-05:00

i feel wicked.

just plain rotten.

for so many reasons.

i have a paper due tomorrow,
and homework,
and another project due next week,
and i am sick,
and we just got done traveling,
and i was talking with a friend tonight,
and a whole bunch of things came up there, too.

mostly about not knowing how long or to what end my friendships will last,
that i have decided that am waiting, indefinitely, for a man who might never come or even exist,
that i don't have many close friends at all, (and if that reflects poorly on my ability to let my guard down and fully connect with other people)
and that love is fun, but i don't understand it.

abigal.
nabal.
david.
jonathan.

i could tell you all sorts of things that are running through my head.

wondering if i will ever sort through any of it.

and i am cut to the heart
because God wants to be seen through all of it
and i realize that
my pain is because i look at it so small
and i feel like i am owed
friendship
love
emotional, spiritual, and physical affection

which i am not owed any of these things.
i am not guaranteed them.

God in His love promises
His friendship,
His love, and
His affection.

and the pursuit of anything less than that is sin and idolatry,
chasing after addictions,
and grasping at the wind.

...and let none of his words fall to the ground.

2009-11-20T08:57:00.003-05:00

First Samuel 1-3 today.

Looking at women yearning to be mothers,
priests being arrogant and worthless,
God granting prayers to those who seek Him,
and condemning people who say they love Him--but their lives don't reflect it.

Young men who have been dedicated to God,
and who live and serve,
and hear God's voice,
and are favored by God and man.

My heart turns in my chest when I think about the life of someone totally following God.
To hear His voice
and to act on it,
to never waver on emotion or ever-changing worldly expectations,
but to know
that God wants this world
to be whole
in Him,

and seeking that,
not just for ourselves,
or for one day far away,
but for all of the world.
here.

one of the passages in 1 Sam 3 says that as Samuel grew, the LORD was with him, and let none of his words fall to the ground.

what he said came true.

because he spoke truth.

my heart aches to be an honorable woman.

vanity

2009-11-15T14:06:00.002-05:00

today,

pastor keith at new city church downtown talked about the book of ecclesiastes,

and about how the fool chases things that cannot satisfy with no thought of tomorrow or of common sense, and how the one who professes wisdom will never be satisfied because there is always more to learn or to acquire.

granted, Solomon says, the wise often live better lives than the foolish,

but in the end,
we both have the same fate,
as we all die,
and are forgotten,
and our efforts to be heard and satisfied in the world will be lost.

for a while now, i have felt the need to feel God through the highs and lows of life.

even throwing sense to the side, and chasing emotions or other such drivel in hopes to find God at the very base of those feelings, things, or events.

in fact, i think that's where the title of my blog comes from.

today, however, i began to wonder what that meant, and if i was wrong to think like that. I don't think i'm wrong to think that God meets us at our hearts, since He gave them to

is it that God meets us in the pure emotion that we experience,
or is it that we seek to meet God as He is, and He will fill us with those emotions?

Do you see the difference I'm trying to draw out here?

On the one hand, one might say, "I want to feel drunk with God's love."

Well, what is drunk?

And you go out and experience physical drunkenness in hopes that it will help you understand God better, or to feel Him differently.

But is that wise? Is that how our spirits work?

Or maybe one might think, "Sex was given to us to enjoy and also as a picture of God and the Church."

and so, in an effort to understand, we may create a scenario in which we feel and relate to another person in a physically sexual manner, making our own rules and guidelines according to how we feel or how we think we tick.

But is that wise? Is that how our spirits work?

rather than going to God first and being filled with Him, and letting His Spirit take us to those highs and lows.

I hate to say it, but it's like we've put the cart before the horse.

I've put the cart before the horse.

It's curious.

I believe that God meets us at our emotions,
but our emotions are fallible.
Our hearts yearn for things that are not right.
And yet, we give them such a prominent place in our hearts.
We seek conventional wisdom,
we seek emotion,
we seek wholeness in food, entertainment, toys, money, sex, attention, and our abilities...

So the challenge is this--in desiring to live a life that matters, we must define our lives by something that doesn't change and will not let us down, and will in fact fulfill us, and that is God.

And in pursuing Him, and being pursued by Him, we must believe and trust that He will give us answers to our thoughts and emotions--answers that are based in Him and in Truth, not in our always unstable hearts and emotions.

and we will be fulfilled, not just today, but eternally.

lord of the covenant

2009-11-14T09:08:00.005-05:00

Typically, if I said that phrase, it would be with joy and awe.

Mostly because it describes a God that I want to know and love better.

But today, that title is colored differently. Instead of talking about a true God who defines His covenant with us in Himself--with a love that surpasses our ability to make Him happy (read: that He loves us despite what we bring Him, and that we should bring Him our best because we love Him, not because we want Him to love us...)--this title is given to Baal-berith, one of the many gods Israel ran after in its early days, after Gideon died.

Baal-Berith.

Just one of the many gods. Israel lived an up and down rollercoaster of pride and then shame, as each judge or prophet came and went. When their leader, or icon of spiritual direction passed away, they resorted to something comfortable and understandable--namely, the gods of nearby pagan communities. In this case, Baal-Berith.

I looked up Baal-Berith on Wikipedia, and two things struck me.

1.) The meaning of his name
2.) The Christian culture that takes names in the Bible and creates silly stories from them.

I've already kinda talked about his name, but more than the fact that it attributes something to a not-god that is typically really cool and associated with the real God, I found it interesting that Wikipedia mentioned how crazy Jews were about this cult, often carrying around a gold image of a fly in their pocket, which they would pull out and kiss from time to time.

A fly.

And they would kiss it.

Gross.

And then the whole Christian culture thing. I think it's amazing how some traditions in the church (note, not capitalized, not God's Church, but rather the institution initiated by man) take names and words in the Bible and create whole stories from them, complete with personalities and mythologies.

Attributing sins and issues with demons of the same name. Who comes up with this stuff, and who believes it? I think it's crazy. I'm pretty sure that would be classified as chasing "myths and endless genealogies, which promote speculations rather than the stewardship from God that is by faith" (First Timothy 1).

It makes me wonder what idols we carry around, giving it a name, thinking it is worth following and hanging onto, revering it and respecting it, hoping it will provide us with blessings and health, love and freedom, but they are just worthless ideas and broken reflections of the real God.

And how we make up stories to explain things away, rather than following God whole-heartedly and leaning in to hear His teaching.

kissing flies. ugh.

church marquees

2009-11-12T08:17:00.007-05:00

i feel like i have been silent for a little while; i'm sorry if all my posts have had the same theme, but i'm not really sorry, it's been a cool learning experience.

for those of you who don't know, i commute to Macon everyday for school and work. On my way, i pass no fewer than 7 churches. one way that i keep myself occupied is by checking their marquees to see if they have any pithy, Christianese sayings.

sometimes they make no sense, or at least border on being really silly.

"who wants to be a Christianaire?"

"wrinkled with a burden? drop in for a faith-lift"

"forbidden fruit leads to spiritual jams"

"heavenly forcast: reign forever"

sometimes they are offensive.

"stop, drop and roll don't work in hell"

"want to get to heaven? turn right and keep straight"

and sometimes, there is the rare gem,

"god is doing something good"

there is a whole slew of pithy sayings. some good, some not-so-much.

in the past month, three on the way to macon have struck me.

one blankly and blatantly queried: "how honest are you?"
the second encouraged, "somebody, somewhere is praying for you"
the third warned, "if not today, when?"

i have always been a liar. sometimes i'm really good at it. sometimes, i'm so good at it that i pretend to not be good at it and so people think that i'm not good at it. sometimes, i'm not good at it at all. and sometimes i can't tell which one it is.

but that post irritated me. how honest am i? i knew, everytime i drove by it, that my fallacies would be again brought to the surface. but it encouraged me to reconsider how honest i really am, and to try to actually keep truth as a focus in my life. Truth is something that i value, and i shouldn't change who i am or what i say because i want people to like me. that is ridiculous.

the second sign didn't quite bother me, i mean it was nice!

to think that despite it all, despite all the pain and failures i experience and sometimes even cause, things that i feel like i don't have anyone to talk to or share with, someone, somewhere is praying for me.

that seems like just a hopeful statement.

sorta like, "shoot for the moon, because if you fail, you'll land among the stars!"
or, "it's okay, you'll get them next time".

you know, comments that have no backing, you just say them to make yourself feel better.

but everytime i saw that sign, my heart warmed at the thought that someone, somewhere, that loves me, was thinking about me at that time. maybe it was just the person that put the sign up. who knows?

it felt good.

lastly, if not today, when? silly to think that sign encouraged me to live life fully this past month. not like it did alone, but it made me reconsider the secrets that i hide and the laziness that i live in. if not today, when will you talk to your friends? if not today, when will you perform your school work or work work excellently? if not today, when will you watch your little brothers and read them stories with joy? when?

moral of the story:
church marquees only suck when i don't like them. how's that for a double standard?

the weight of glory

2009-11-09T15:16:00.004-05:00

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

(The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis - Preached originally as a sermon in the Church of St Mary the Virgin, Oxford, on June 8, 1942: published in THEOLOGY, November, 1941, and by the S.P.C.K, 1942...http://www.doxaweb.com/assets/doxa.pdf)

My foolish heart aches.

I know what I want.

But it isn't mine to have.

And I flit on the line, dreaming dreams that aren't mine, weaving stories that will not come to pass, and imaging fantasies where none of this matters.

But escape from reality is not good.

Casting out all I know for what I feel is dangerous and silly.

It is with everything in life.

Friends.
Jobs.
Toys.
Money.
Comfort.
Food.
Convictions.
Love.
Faith.

I am far too easily pleased.

good weekend.

2009-11-08T17:12:00.002-05:00

that moon song
by gregory alan isakov

the tail lights burn red
they were hotter than hell
and i’ve been long gone couldn’t you tell

the smoke in the air
couldn’t hide my shame
saw it lit up on that silver screen

and ahh that full bellied moon she’s a shinin on me
yeah she pulls on this heart like she pulls on the sea

and you came on strong like some running wave
and your beauty left me broke and hungry
left me begging to the birds for a bone or an offering
left me saying nothin, nothin, like i always say

and ahh that full bellied moon she’s a shinin on me
yeah she pulls on this heart like she pulls on the sea

and those broken hearted lovers,
they got nothing on me

schoolbuses.

2009-11-02T07:21:00.002-05:00

i used to haaaaate taking the school bus to school.

i didn't fit in with the people who rode it regularly, although i'm pretty sure i tried my darndest to make connections and somehow create a more pleasant ride for all of us.

it was like, all the people whose parents didn't have time for them; the misfits, the rejects, the kids who later, as i look back, got into drugs or got pregnant or dropped out.

this morning around 6:50, our doorbell rang.

akeel, the boy next door, was standing outside.

"hey, i missed the bus, i was wondering if you weren't too busy, if maybe you could take me to school"

i know he saw me look over at my textbook on the kitchen table. i'm pretty sure he saw me furrow my brow, seriously torn.

"you really, i mean, if you're busy..."

and i stuttered some lame excuse, "i...man, um...i'm really...busy right now, trying to get some work done..."

work that I had put off for the past week, but had reserved this morning to complete.

and when he turned around and said, "i understand, thanks anyway,"

something,
inside my heart,
kicked me.

you. [jerkface].

you've already recieved your high school diploma.
you've already received your bachelors in engineering.
you can pardon one homework assignment.
if you don't take him, who will?
and if they take him, when?
he may get to class late, or may not try to get there at all.
and you're passing up an opportunity to show him that education is important.

so i called out.

"hey, man! i gotcha, just a sec."

and i drove akeel to school,
and i asked him what his favorite subject is,
and he said math,
and i said, "hey cool! i'm studying engineering, and you need math for that! isn't it fun? it's like solving puzzles, and sometimes you have to step back and look at the whole picture..."

and we talked about how he plays football, and how he is to graduate in 2012.

and i dropped him off, and he didn't look back at the car.

i can't help but hope that one day he will, and that maybe it will encourage him to pursue knowledge. not just intellectual, but of God.

on love and love lost.

2009-11-01T22:56:00.003-05:00

don't worry, i'm not feeling too incredibly emo currently, i just needed someone to dump this on.

i was looking at a...friend's...facebook page.

i still don't know what to call her. you would think as much as i talk about her, i would have this figured out by now. ex friend?

it's not like i hate her, we just...i just...ummm...

either way, we don't talk or hang out anymore because of something i did.

and i was just checking her page, looking to see if she had plans for post-graduation studies yet, and saw her interactions with another friend.

and i missed her. and i missed our playful banter.

and so i felt sad. the twinge of pain in your heart, you know?

but that is all.

i think i'm good.

thanks for listening.

oh, this wayward heart.

2009-10-30T00:03:00.009-04:00

how do i tell you to not wait for me?
that i don't think i am ready, nor will i ever be?

that you should go for your dreams,
and not weigh me in the equation,
because i am flighty, irreverent, and careless...
and i feel like i've already gone--
and allowed you to go--
too far.

i don't want you to tire of me,
but i know that,
somehow,
i will inadvertently cause you more pain.
whether now,
or later.

because we connect, alright.
we talk and think and dream,
and we share those thoughts and ideas,
and you hear all the garbage i dump on you.
and i listen to everything you say,
even when you aren't talking to me.
maybe i even read in between the lines.
but i know you're telling me you love me.
and we can't let that happen.

how did we get here in the first place?

i want you to be whole,
i want you to feel freedom,
but i know you won't find it in me,
and sometimes you make me feel like that's what you're looking for.

i feel like i have been a bad friend.

because i can't tell if this song in my heart was put there by you or by our Maker.
and in letting my dreams get caught up in the former,
i seem to have lost the latter.

how do i tell you, 'no'?
to stop your hot pursuit?

that i don't think i could ever return
an ounce of the love that you've showered--
or promised to shower--
on me?
and i never wanted to misuse your kindness for personal gain,
and thought that maybe we could just be friends,
but i can't help but feel that perhaps we are too much,
too soon?

and that maybe that makes me a horrible, selfish person,
but i hope you've seen that i try to return what i am given,
so i don't just take from you.
but when i gift in response,
i feel like i'm saying, 'i love you,' in more ways than one.
and i am not able to rationally offer that to you, alone.

and how do i say that in a way that conveys it isn't just for my good,
but i know it's for yours, too.

please, i am not worth it.

not worth thinking about or mulling over,
planning outings or a future.
i just want to be your friend.

i don't want to hurt you,
or embarrass you,
or drive you to frustration,
but dragging my feet was the only response i knew to take.
to smile and nod,
and pretend to not hear,
i mean, granted,
there were times that i really didn't hear and didn't connect what you were saying,
but quite a few times,
it was simply show.

i seem to be as cryptic as i can be.
i've jumbled my life into a page of idiotic ramblings.
I still don't know what to say.

and you,
you know which part talks about you.
and you wonder who the other parts are about.
and you reread a line or two,
trying to figure out if i'm addressing you or someone else.

i'm sorry i'm a coward.

more relationship stuff.

2009-10-27T14:07:00.000-04:00

my little sister is very wise.

yearn

2009-10-25T20:52:00.002-04:00

i have been listening to a wide array of music lately.

part of me feels good; i'm engaging the opportunities and world around me...the smart and gifted and talented people that have poured out their hearts to share what they do and feel.

but part of me feels so sad inside.

their words make me long for love and attention, but mostly physical affection.
my wide-eyes and soft heart are led astray by their erring words.
they turn my eyes toward things that cannot satisfy and will not fill.
they cram my heart with dreams and ideas that make me sorrowful in the end.

the music is excellent.
their voices are immaculate.
but the stories, the pain...

the constant outpouring and drive for acceptance...

sometimes it makes me sick.

bad thoughts in my head; it's not focusing on what is pure and right and holy.

sometimes i feel like i'm just dumb or overly emotional because i cannot listen all the way through.

i want to be wholly focused on the good in the world.
on the right way to live.
on the right way to love.

and many musicians are lost and floundering just like us.
because they can put how they feel into music doesn't make them more enlightened than the rest of us.

there is a truth and a freedom that can sit in our hearts.
that can provide us a way to live beyond ourselves.
that can make a difference in the world.

i like music that runs that constant mantra through my head.

not that love sucks and we are lost.
because we are.
but there is a better way.

SUGAR

2009-10-23T07:28:00.004-04:00

Holy Cow.

Don't look now,
but I'm totally posting something that I think is FUNNY.

I can't remember the last time I did that.

HAHAHAHA

pollution

2009-10-22T08:01:00.003-04:00

Numbers 35:33-34

"You shall not pollute the land in which you live, for blood pollutes the land, and no atonement can be made for the land for the blood that is shed in it, except by the blood of the one who shed it. You shall not defile the land in which you live, in the midst of which I dwell, for I the LORD dwell in the midst of the people of Israel."

Talking about providing refuge for people who killed another unintentionally. (For context, our reading today was Numbers 35-36)

And as I read the two verses, above, I couldn't help but question our thoughts on abortion and war.

In my mind, abortion is a small representation of how our land views life.
Instant gratification and no visible consequences that directly affect me.
these verses also make me wonder about war; how does the shedding of the blood of war have an impact on a nation?

I could go on and on about industrialized agriculture and how it is killing us.
About how, in order for us to have the type of food that we want, when we want it on our kitchen shelf, we have separated ourselves from the way that life works. We have sped up life processes so that we can live in a way that makes us happy. But I think it's killing us.

And one day, the land is going to need a break.
and we will be sick and dying,
and we will wonder where God is.

But as much as He tries to let us see Him,
it's hard to catch a glimpse when we've surrounded ourselves with the things that we have made;
when we ignore His hand in our lives and our world;
when we insist that we have the wisdom -- the knowledge of good and evil --
when we don't realize it is determined outside of us
...that it is determined by Him.

Because the earth, it weeps at its rape.
it awaits a savior,
because we are too busy living our own lives
to be willing to be held accountable
for the blood that is on our hands.

faith, hope, and klove

2009-10-20T09:01:00.003-04:00

i listen to the radio in my little beat up '93 toyota corolla.

the presets on my radio are:
1 - 88.9 - Family Life Radio (Mostly talking now a days; don't listen too much)
2 - 93.3 - The Fish (An Atlanta station; doesn't come in very clearly)
3 - 102.1 - KLOVE (The point of this story; don't worry, it's a good point)
4 - 104.7 - I don't know what this one is called. It's another Jesus station.
5 - 95.1 - Today's hits.
6 - 93.7 - 15 minutes ago's hits.

but yea, i listen to mostly 102.1, unless Third Day's "Born Again" comes on (can't stand the harmony part towards the end) or any other song that drives me up the wall. we can discuss my overly critical nature later.

i even listen to their pledge drive shenanigans.

today, in the middle of their fall pledge drive, they read a letter from a woman who has four children, her house is being sold in a sherriff's sale (whatever that is) and they are just having a hard time making ends meet. regardless, she felt the call of God to give to KLOVE, so she gave ten dollars, which was hard to do.

the next day, there was $100 in her mailbox.

and the thought that ran through my head was this:
why don't i just live on the edge of faith like that my whole life?

how great would that be, to continually be trusting God; to throw our lives wastefully towards His kingdom, knowing that He is good and He will give us what we need, and that what we want is going to be what He wants.

I was convicted about how small I live; that paychecks are to be hoarded, money is to be carefully counted, and the passionate sways of a heart trying to get closer to the kingdom of God are sinful and errant.

So. not. true.

There are stories of men and women who tithe 90% of their paycheck.
There are stories of men and women who try to live on a dollar a day.
There are stories of men and women who sell all they have and give it to the poor.
There are stories of men and women who sell all they have and give it to each other.

But right now, they are just stories.

I would like to live one, please.

Balaam, again!

2009-10-17T08:34:00.003-04:00

If you've been following me for a little while, you'll know that last May I read through Numbers, and I was totally enthralled with Balaam. I even posted about him on this blog (read it here!).

And I still like Balaam a lot.

It reminds me of the power of the tongue. How it holds life and death; that the things you say either encourage or discourage others, and you can bring people up the way of life and hope, or lead them away to death and hopelessness.

Sometimes I heed that, perhaps to a fault; I worry about what I said, hoping that a joke or a comment didn't cause pain or discouragement. I want to be deliberate in casting visions and dreams for people--seeing what they can be, the potential for what they can do--and encourage them to seek that beautiful future.

Goodness knows the many times I've felt I've failed. Where people have told me I was insufficient or a let-down. And not that I get everything right, and not that I want everyone to tell me that I'm doing everything right even if I'm doing them wrong. And thinking like that leads to living small and living death.

We have a big God with big plans for the world.

And we're a part of it.

In our weakness, He is strong,
and in our strengths, He is there as well, because they are His.

Let's go do big things, because

"God is not man, that he should lie,
or a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Has he said, and will he not do it?
Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?
Behold, I received a command to bless:
he has blessed, and I cannot revoke it."

Who would deny the blessing of the LORD? He is the One who spoke it first. It is for us to hear, love, and pursue.

Be blessed, friends.

death, donkeys and dogs.

2009-10-16T06:17:00.004-04:00

is it just me, or did israel's history get really weird at and after the death of Aaron?

could it be the psychological impact on the writer of the death of a close friend and brother, that the events kinda all jumble together?

hm.

i also think it's funny that we say Balaam's donkey talked.

it makes me think of a friend who has two dogs--and actually, most any friend that has dogs that i know of does this to a certain extent, but that's another story--she makes them talk! she knows their personality, or what she projects as their personality (which is very realistic; meeting the dogs, they definitely seem to act exactly how she says they will...almost always), and she'll speak as if the dogs is speaking...like in their voice.

and so i can't help but think of that as i read about Balaam; who is to say the donkey spoke audibly, but that it was in the softness of Balaam's heart and his connection with the nature and character of a long-love and trusted pet that he heard the warning.

i say this not to discount my elementary sunday school teachers or to deny the truth in the Bible; on the contrary, this makes faith much more exciting for me, because that means God can speak to me, too, and that He does, and i just have to learn how to listen better.

maybe He'll speak to me through a dog.

i hope not, though.

they are stinky.

numbers 18-20

2009-10-15T08:36:00.003-04:00

part of a priest's job description was to become unclean in the process of providing spiritual cleanliness for the person providing the sacrifice.

if, under the new covenant, the veil is torn, and we are priests,
why are we putting our own holiness continually over providing and encouraging the holiness of the people around us?

it was uncleanliness for a day in exchange for bringing someone a little closer to God.

books

2009-10-09T08:07:00.003-04:00

i stepped into my room today.
well, my old room.
i was grabbing a text book so i can do some work on kenya stuff,
and i was flipping through pages, and when looked up from the book, i glanced at my bookshelf.

i have a lot of books.

some i've read, many i haven't.

but still, i've read quite a few books.

and it made me wonder how much of my thoughts are mine,

and how much are from the world around me.

and also, how much are ours...that God lays on the hearts of His people at the same time in various ways.

and then i was reading in the Bible about the jealousy offering, and couldn't help but wonder how much of our lives are mystical, and how much divine interaction we ignore.

you have this ritual that God is very, very apparently a part of. If the woman is guilty, she...I dunno. Esplodes? If she isn't, well, she's free to go and have kids. I would like to say that eating dirt isn't the sole source of infertility. The hand of God...hm. I don't know.

But hearing the voice of God and feeling His touch on our lives is not common practice.

Not to say it isn't practiced,
but we just don't think to be sensitive to the spirits in us.

Oh, to hear the voice of God and to act on it.

choice.

2009-10-06T07:28:00.003-04:00

if love isn't a choice, what hope is there for a lasting relationship?

saying it's based on attraction and infatuation,
things that may last for years,
but will never last forever.

because if you can't choose who you love,
there are 7 billion people out there who are much better than i am.
much better than who you currently love is,
and when you find them,
you know,
it's hard to choose to love who you are with.

i have broadened the argument, i understand.
choosing who you love isn't the same as choosing loyalty to the person you have committed yourself to.

i can't help but feel they are the same.

i love quickly and easily.

a lot of times, we boil love down
to how we feel when we're around the other person.
and while that's great,
love cannot be used for such selfish pleasures.
there is a greater good to live for,
there is a greater push for what should be our driving desires.

it is not filling our cup
at the throne of man,
acceptance and accolades and attention,
for us.
for ourselves.

there is something deeper,
something more profound.
something that draws us all,
a purpose and plan for the world,
that our emotions and drive to succeed and be accepted fall into.

it is to be wasted at the feet of a King,
pursuing His kingdom,
and loving all into reconciliation with Him.

finding completion in Him,
not in a relationship,
not in a business or money,
not in a hobby,
not in a single thing other than Him,
because that is idolatry.

and His Love?
it is perfect and unconditional.
we only love Him because He loved us first.
we live each day in common grace extended to mankind, because without it, we would destroy ourselves.

He chose to love us,
to waste Himself for us,
in order to fulfill the requirement to allow us to get close to and to know God.
(not to get to Heaven, not to be prosperous, but to know God. think about that.)

Love is a choice,
like everything else in life,
and that is part of what makes it so beautiful.

on mothers and missiles.

2009-10-02T08:11:00.003-04:00

if you didn't know this already,

i am adamantly pro-life,
against the death penalty,
and incredibly against war.

there are a lot of issues that arise because of the interactions of these three things. moral issues, arguments with other people, blah blah blah.

mom walked in the house this morning, looking frazzled.

i cocked my head.

"are you okay?" i asked.

"oh, i'm just really concerned about the things we know and we don't know about our government," she says.

"oh, really?" i said, knowing that i was about to hear was going to lead to upsetting one or both of us. and she goes into the whole Obama-removing-missiles-from-Poland issue. and how the people over there are scared of Russian occupation and how the Bible history says that Russia is going to be a superpower and...

i had two thoughts.
1.) if Russia is going to be a superpower, and it is the God given truth, what are the missiles in Poland going to do about it?
and
2.) i am small. we are small. i have no idea how war works, worrying about this will get us nowhere, so we should be happy now with the things that we have, and do what we can to change the things that we can.

thinking i was playing the convo intelligently, i verbalized the second point.

insert your favorite four letter word here. i fancy boat.

boat.

"what would you have done if you were around during the Holocaust? would you have said no war? when all those people were dying? you're being two faced, all anti-war and we shouldn't care about it, when you are only here because of them!"

ummmm...okay, i'm two faced.

what do you say when you believe that there is a natural order, and that God's will (here that is mostly likely to be read: "that the world should come to repentance and restoration") occurs in crappy ways sometimes and that i don't trust the government and i don't trust war and i don't trust men that i don't know (and maybe even some that i do know...) because it is God alone who is wise and loving and right. and i might be wrong, but in most of the Bible stories where people earnestly sought God re:war, He delivered them with minimal death (think Gideon).

but i respect the President. God has ordained his place in US history. As well as the lives of Roosevelt and Churchill and Hitler...i don't know if i agree with the last name, but maybe i do.

she ended up attacking my holier-than-thou-ness, my apathy, and my apparent lack of empathy for those people in Poland who might die, whereas she is the opposite, and can't help but care.

because i am not empathetic.

bullboat.

i just have enough cares in life, and i am doing what i can to make the world a better place.

and i don't know what to do to make Obama put the missiles back in Poland.

does she?

does it matter?

Lover or Prostitute?

2009-09-27T04:01:00.004-04:00

Oh, wow.

Check out this dude's words.

David Ryser

A little snippet to whet your appetite:

A number of years ago, I had the privilege of teaching at a school of ministry. My students were hungry for God, and I was constantly searching for ways to challenge them to fall more in love with Jesus and to become voices for revival in the Church. I came across a quote attributed most often to Rev. Sam Pascoe. It is a short version of the history of Christianity, and it goes like this: "Christianity started in Palestine as a fellowship; it moved to Greece and became a philosophy; it moved to Italy and became an institution; it moved to Europe and became a culture; it came to America and became an enterprise." Some of the students were only 18 or 19 years old--barely out of diapers--and I wanted them to understand and appreciate the import of the last line, so I clarified it by adding, “An enterprise. That’s a business.” After a few moments Martha, the youngest student in the class, raised her hand. I could not imagine what her question might be. I thought the little vignette was self-explanatory, and that I had performed it brilliantly. Nevertheless, I acknowledged Martha’s raised hand, “Yes, Martha.” She asked such a simple question, “A business? But isn’t it supposed to be a body?” I could not envision where this line of questioning was going, and the only response I could think of was, “Yes.” She continued, “But when a body becomes a business, isn’t that a prostitute?”

There is a lot of unpacking that follows. Wow.

red and yellow, black and white, they are all...

2009-09-27T02:50:00.004-04:00

precious in His sight.

to consider myself precious. hm.

romantic relationships are a new thing to me. i really don't understand them in general. perhaps it is because i was shielded from that scene as a high schooler by my parents and myself. we weren't to date until we were 16, which was a great excuse for me, not that there was anyone interested in me, but it gave me something to hide behind when i was feeling insecure about my attractiveness or connection to anyone in general.

i was reading through a journal i found yesterday from the dates around my juniorish year. it is amazing how many of those destructive thoughts still circle my head, despite how far i feel i have come in the 6 years that have passed since then.

it's almost like i hate myself, and that there is nothing worth loving about me. it's like i sabotage myself and my relationships, calling people liars, that there is no way that i could ever be desirable or lovable.

but on the other hand, while i don't feel like i can be, i want to be treated like i am worth loving, worth protecting and worth defending. worth it. esteemed, respected, considered, cared for.

how sick! i don't know what it is, if it is pride, or just damage from being a broken person, but that i would pour out love over and over, be wasteful with my love from every point of my being, but cannot accept that anyone returning those feelings is doing so honestly. (i have explained at times in that it feels like any attention, affection or accolades I recieve feel like they are just a big joke that people are playing on me...that they just couldn't find something better, and that they're just putting up with me out of kindness. ha. yea, i don't understand it, either.)

i was talking to my mom about this yesterday, and she expressed that she often has struggled with the same thing, and that it has often hurt my father's feelings. Daddy may do or say something nice or loving, and she will blow it off, unable to accept it. It makes him sad or angry. An action performed out of love has not been fully appreciated because of the block in her heart or head or spirit to grasp it. Unable to fully hold onto the love and acceptance freely available for her.

well, dag. on several points.

1.) i have inherited stinkin' thinkin'. not just from my mom, but from the fact that i am a product of the fall, and i cannot attain wholeness apart from God. i see that it is wrong, but i don't know how to reverse it.
2.) not only do i do this in person-to-person relationships, i do it to God. the Divine Lover, who poured Himself out, in the stars that glimmer every night, in the protection and gifts He provides, in every painted sunset, in the fact that we [well, most of us] have five senses so we can enjoy the beauty of smelling fresh cut grass or hearing the roar of a respectably sized thunderstorm...and who poured Himself out, much like the sacrifices offered on the Old Testament altar...splayed open, broken, aching, wasted, drenched with lifeblood, meeting my greatest debt with grace, love and forgiveness.

and I tell Him He is wrong.
that His gift must have been mislabeled.
that there is no way He intended to provide me with such love and affection.

i am not ready for a romantic relationship.
it isn't fair to people that i would force such insecurities on them.
i want to be content in the love and grace of God before seeking it from man.

but again, that implies that i have to have everything figured out, and there are some questions that just aren't meant to be answered.

i'm just a silly girl.
oh, but sometimes my heart aches.

The dude said, "Let me go, for the day has broken."

2009-09-26T09:18:00.005-04:00

And Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

Lately, I feel like I've been wrestling with God, with all sorts of things. I think you've heard all of them before. Bible, Heaven and Hell, prayer, works vs. faith...all the simple stuff and the complex stuff, too.

Sometimes I wonder if I don't care enough to actually find the answers. Like, who are we? are we people - students, engineers, sisters, daughters, and friends - who just happen to be followers of Christ, or are we Christ-followers who just so happen to do things with our gifts, talents and relationships?

That may seem like it's mincing words, but how are we to spend our time?

Doing what we know to do and fitting God in whenever we have a free moment? Ignoring the questions and searching because we don't have time or resources? Or maybe that's for pastors and theologians and missionaries, and not for normal, boring people like ourselves.

Or are we to see ourselves as pastors and theologians and missionaries, that our priority be to love God first and pursue Him in all that we do, to continually ask questions and challenge ourselves and our faith...and to fully live in our talents and gifts He's provided to us...living in love and hope.

I feel like the answer is the second one, but that for some reason, it's not feasible.

Because God calls us to go. To step out in faith that He will provide and care for our needs, and it makes no sense because we don't understand the ways of God. (Thinking of Matt 22:29 - But Jesus answered them, "You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God...") And so we just have to do it. We just have to jump, to believe, to pursue and be pursued.

and then, at the juncture of faith, reason, wisdom and works, what are we to do, and how do we live? Do we just do stuff and hope (or just understand, maybe) that His blessing is on it, or do we looks always upward for miracles and other miraculous works?

In making the tabernacle, God put His spirit and wisdom in men to create and construct it. He provided them the tools, but I don't think it was a blueprint. He provided the spirit. And I think He provides us all with some sort of inspiration or muse. What we do with that is another story.

If only we all lived in light of the things that make us tick.

Still wrestling.

evidence of things unseen

2009-09-05T00:08:00.002-04:00

is faith in God blindly accepting what people say about what God does?

they name for you the attributes of God, and you just recite them as a mantra, until you make yourself believe it's true out of habit?

or is it okay to want to taste them for yourself?

does it make you less of a...pure follower if you want to actually experience stuff instead of just hoping it's not just made up mumbo jumbo from the heart of man's desire to be lifted from his depravity?

genesis 28:20.

jacob is fleeing esau, and he just wakes up from his nap with the rock as a pillow. and apparently, God has shown him that he's going to be the father of a great nation, and jacob says,

""If God will be with me and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, ²¹so that I come again to my father’s house in peace, then the LORD shall be my God, ²²and this stone, which I have set up for a pillar, shall be God’s house. And of all that you give me I will give a full tenth to you.""

If God will do these things, then He shall be my God.

Am I allowed to do that?! If so, what do I ask for, so that I know that it is God, and not the voice of man?

tshirts

2009-09-02T07:57:00.005-04:00

this pisses me off.

what pisses me off the most about this video is that it was posted by a christian on facebook and the other comments that are being posted by christians on facebook. the comments are arrogant, ignorant, angry, and just plain annoying.

we've heard it all before.

we know you don't like obama.

let me tell you a secret.

i didn't vote for obama. i'm not his biggest fan.

but your bitching and moaning about OUR president does nothing.

in that same line of thought,

what differentiates us from the World that we say we despise so much?

we worry,
we covet,
we judge, condemn, lie and cheat.

and then we point the finger at the GLBT community,
adulterers,
politicians...

and we wonder why people aren't flocking to our church.

so we sink immense wads of cash and time into programs, trying to make people think that they must think the way we think, and they must listen to the music we listen to and the must have the same friends we have and run the same circles and vote for the same politicians...

we wonder why they don't want to partake in our ignorant, annoying, selfish ways.

the heart of the king is in the hands of God. He turns it wherever he will.
that's some Bible for you. Proverbs 21:1.

honor the king.
that's some more Bible for you.
1 Peter 2:17.

but there is more to that verse. it says:
Honor all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.

perhaps your lack of honoring the king is just a general lack of honoring all men, loving your brothers, and fearing God.

i hate to say it, but perhaps it's my problem too.

tshirts (what we should be known for) derek webb
they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours
who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare

they’ll know us by our picket lines and signs
they’ll know us by the pride we hide behind
like anyone on earth is living right
and isn’t that why Jesus died
not to make us think we’re right

when love, love, love
is what we should be known for
love, love, love
it’s the how and it’s the why
we live and breathe and we die

they’ll know us by reasons we divide
and how we can’t seem to unify
because we’ve gotta sing songs a certain style
or we’ll walk right down that aisle
and just leave ‘em all behind

they’ll know us by the billboards that we make
just turning God’s words to cheap clichés
says “what part of murder don’t you understand?”
but we hate our fellow man
and point a finger at his grave

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
telling ‘em their sins are worse than ours
thinking we can hide our scars
beneath these t-shirts that we wear

Song of the Day - Kingdom Come

2009-09-01T08:51:00.004-04:00

or Prayer, whichever way you look at it.

oh, we long for more.

Kingdom Come (here it is on imeem!...i don't like listening on youtube. i feel like it ruins quality sometimes...but it's there, if you want it.)

Your love reaches out to me
Your grace has made a way to You
Made a way to You
Your word lives inside of me
Your truth is life to all to hear
Life to all who hear

We live for You
Live Your truth

May Your Kingdom come
And Your will be done
As we serve Your heart
Serve Your heart
Let salvation flow
As Your people pray
Lord we long for more
Long for more

In You death is overcome
No power can stand against Your Name
The power of Your Name
In faith we will rise to be
Your hands and feet to all the earth
Life to all the earth

the story, part one - the framework

2009-08-31T11:48:00.003-04:00

"everyone wants to feel like they play an important role go the world's story. Why, then, do we insist on living such small, selfish lives?"

if you follow me on facebook or twitter, you'll know that was my status/tweet/thought of the day a week or so ago.

i was asked to unpack that comment, and when i tried, i realized that there were a whole bunch of thoughts and ideas that went into that one statement.

here is my attempt to explain the reasoning behind that post. in typing, i realized it was waaaaay more than should be expected to be read in one sitting. i'll post this in three parts--the framework for our story, how it applies to us, and the struggle for living it out.

that will allow for you to read, comment, muse over it, test it for the good and bad, and then hopefully tomorrow or another day soon, i'll have the next two parts up here. i hope this is beneficial to you and to others...and everything ties together, so i might allude to some thoughts before i fully flesh them out. i hope it isn't too confusing. i would really love to hear what you think.

so, part one.

i suppose,
as like with most things,
this thought started with a book.
or two.
or three.

i think the first time 'the story' was imprinted on my mind was as i read through one of rob bell's first books -- either velvet elvis or sex god, i'm not sure which. it might not even be rob bell, but the author explained the tradition of Jewish Passover, that when they read the story of the exodus, they say, 'we are the ones in exile'.

they take the story, and they make it theirs.

so no longer are these tales of miraculous salvation and deliverance only myths and legends that happened one day long ago to people we will never meet;
they are also stories of us,
today,
in bondage to not-God,
enslaved by the things that weigh us down,
longing for a savior,
and knowing that we, ourselves, are hopeful for a better future.

taking the story and making it theirs.

the same thought are modeled in rob bell's jesus wants to save christians, talking about babylon and exile in general, and he even draws parallels with pre-babylonian exile israel and the american empire. fascinating read, really.

taking their story and making it ours.

the last book for the purpose of this post is ishmael,
a didactic novel written by an animist,
daniel quinn,
about our place in society,
and our role in caring for our environment.

within the pages of his book, Quinn points out that there are basically two groups of people in this world: the 'Takers' and the 'Leavers'.

Leavers being defined as those who follow the methods of living their culture has followed for thousands of years, ways that are proved to be good for themselves and the world around them: think Aborigines, Native Americans (not the ones with casinos. the real ones), etc.

and in this story, the Takers are defined as, well, everyone else. They are the agriculturalists, the businessmen, the power- and resource-hungry, living unsustainably, and unconcerned about our impact on our environment: think the average American.

Leavers trust "the gods" (from here on, simplified to "God" for the sole fact that in this story I present there is only one), living in a hunter-gatherer manner, taking only what they need day-to-day, when they go hungry, they know it's the hand of God ensuring the lifecycle will be maintained healthily.

Takers go hungry and instead of trusting God, they say, "screw you!" and industrialize society so that we have more food than we will ever need so we are in control, and God cannot hold the power of life and death. (p. 227 - "when you have more food than you need, then [God has] no power over you!")

later in the book, ishmael again differentiates the two in this manner:

the Takers are the ones that take the power of life and death in their own hands, and the Leavers are the ones who live their lives in the hand of God.

Quinn goes on to talk about the fact that this dichotomy is the result of living out a story.

a story.

the Takers live out a story that Mother Culture has fed them since day one, and she whispers in their ear, "if you don't take [your place in this story], you do not get fed" (p. 36) and as a result, we are driven to enact as story that "is not only disastrous for mankind and for the world, fundamentally unhealthy and unsatisfying. It's a megalomaniacs' fantasy, and enacting it has given the Takers a culture riddled with greed, cruelty, mental illness, crime, and drug addiction" (p. 147)

on the other hand, the Leavers live out a story that doesn't give them power, but rather, provides them with lives that are satisfying and meaningful.

humans are made for a story. whether you believe we evolved from a rock or that you were created in the image of a holy God, we want to be connected to a story, to know that we are important characters in this story, and that we can do great things. whether we admit it or not, we live what we are told we can do.

we pursue what we feel our talents and abilities have allotted us. sometimes we reach for the stars, sometimes we live small. sometimes we live free in the truth that we can do much, and sometimes we hide in the lies that tell us we are good for nothing. sometimes we do these things because people encourage us. other times we do these things because others have discouraged us and we want to prove them wrong.

we live a story. there are a whole bunch out there.

which one we live and to what extent is up to us.

part two coming soon.

genesis 15:6

2009-08-30T08:06:00.002-04:00

"And he believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness."

just finished Job, yesterday. still wrestling with some of that. honestly, i think i'm going to forget what i read. perhaps i will go back and pick it up again later, when i have time.

today, the reading was genesis 12-15, narrating abraham's beginning. i always enjoy his story, because it reminds me of the Old Testament class i took at Mercer. it reminds me that there is so much more to the Bible than being a book that dictates your moral leanings.

it is a book that reminds us of God's love and dedication to his people, that tells of his overwhelming desire for all nations to be blessed, and somehow tells us how we are to live the good way.

Today, the verse that hit me was 15:6.

belief in God, counted as righteousness.

i want to believe God. over and over again, i hear myself in my head, repeating the words the father of the sick child spoke to Jesus,

"oh, I believe! Help me in my unbelief!"

i don't know what all i'm supposed to believe,
but i believe God.
oh,
and
help
me
in
my
unbelief.

kenya

2009-08-21T21:10:00.002-04:00

"THEY WAS NO REASON TO WORRY AT ALL; YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING YOU LOVE AND ARE GOOD AT AAGE 22T"

-My friend, Priscilla, in response to my graduate school opportunity.

I have a good life. I should never be sad.

God is phenomenal. And I get to be a little part of it.

of love letters and lifelines.

2009-08-13T09:18:00.004-04:00

i have not consistently read the Bible in a while.

i cannot recall for you how long it's been since i've followed through with a full-on "Bible study", partly out of laziness because i'd rather not sift through all of those dates and times and emotions, but perhaps mostly because i know it was something good in my life that i just dropped because i was tired of myself and my endless haughty and prideful rummagings through tradition, and am embarrassed by my lack of desire and will.

not that i should report to you about my endless queue of sins and shortcomings, and not that you don't struggle with the same things, but i often feel that my pulling away from tradition has pulled me away from some of the good things Christianity has made available for Christians.

i think i explained it this weekend as, "respecting and revering tradition, but not relying on it" or something like that. we've often heard that history repeats itself, and the young generations no longer listen to the voice of the old. we have thrown them all out, disgusted with the selfish baby boomers, with war, with consumerism, with hypocrisy, with hate and double standards, with tainted love and imaginary, small, deaf gods whose only purpose is to bring us blessings.

in this, though...

in this.

this disgust,

with the world, with those professing to follow the Christ (but not really), with myself,

i have thrown out the voices of conventional and godly wisdom, alike.

tired of hearing of this Jesus guy and the cool things people say He does, and wanting to actually feel Him, touch Him, know His face and hear His voice,

the only thing i could think to do
was to beg
to be able to pursue Him
by being pursued.

i don't want to make up something just because it's a good answer
or because it's easy.

i get this feeling that when i have a real person job and a real person life i'll stop questioning,
and i'll just slip back into the sunday-wednesday this-is-just-what-i-do-and-how-i-live-there-is-no-conviction-or-experential-basis.

God forbid.

I get these questions, and i'm miserable and broken and confused, and then after a while, i just forget them, and live happily and ignorantly.

and then the questions surface again, and once again, i'm miserable, broken, confused.

but what do i do?

instead of looking for answers,
i wait.

and in wanting God to answer these out of a thundercloud or a mysterious messenger,
and i let my brain rationalize them.
i let books and conventional wisdom rectify them.

and i inadvertently give the ways of this world the ability to decide how i think for me, instead of heeding the pages of a Book that i may have trouble following, but I know was inspired by God, and provides guidance in all areas of life.

and atleast four times in the past month, i have been urged by friends to read the Bible, because it is good, and you don't understand it, but it changes things.

so, with that being said,

i
am
going
to
read
the
Bible
in
chronological (as in, the order the events supposedly occurred)
order.

i think it may take a year. i found a website that gives a reading plan.

i will not use any other supplemental documents unless i need to look up a word. i am not sure what version i will read. i may read a couple versions; who knows.

i will try to keep regular updates on here about what i'm learning and how i feel about it. i'll start on the 15th, which i think is saturday.

here's to truth, peace, hope, and love.

and knowing God has provided for us to find it somewhere.

-------------edit: does anyone want to join me? i'd love to have someone to talk about all this stuff with...to walk through it with...hit me up, i'd love to see what you have to say! http://www.ewordtoday.com/year/47/caug15.htm-----------------

acts 29 - fight club part 2

2009-07-28T12:26:00.007-04:00

for your enjoyment.

i changed the session and song slides; they are now a little more polished and enjoyable, in my personal opinion. The first three are the same as before.

for speakers that have no points to put up on the screen:

for speakers that do have points, they'll be on the left and right sides:

for the songs, lyrics will be again on the left and right sides:

I think i'm happy. Now to put together a graphic for next year's fight club, which will go on the website.

as seen on facebook.

2009-07-28T11:31:00.003-04:00

i was going through the front page of my newsfeed today, just to see what was going on in the world while i was out running my 5k, and i saw this...and i quote:

A good friend said the other day... If you have to loose your christianity over someone or something its not worth it. You know what...? She's so right!!

and it just totally struck me sour. shouldn't we be careful to evaluate our decisions on following Christ? [that is--shouldn't we make the effort rephrase this statement as, "If you have to lose Christ over someone or something, it's not worth it."?]

i may be mincing words, but this deserves mincing: what good is keeping your christianity if you have lost the Christ? what image does that portray? hanging so tightly to the rules and self-righteousness, telling Jesus that you'd rather stick with a new law rather than moderation and liberty (thank derek webb for that one), or that you're happy living your boring 9 to 5 and to not worry, you'll give him 10% of your net and an hour-and-a-half every week. and somewhere in there, it's so easy to lose the Christ.

like in luke 2:41, we see mary and joseph, after travelling for a day, realizing they have lost the Messiah.

holy cow.

you lost the messiah.

there is a pretty hefty fine on losing a library book; how about losing a whole person, who just so happens to have been born quite miraculously and is on loan from God, and who is supposed to save all the world from death?

yea. problems.

so they rush back, find him in the temple and they chew him out for giving them a heart attack; and further proving God isn't really interested in CYAing, Jesus says, "don't you know i would be about my Father's business?"

not saying m&j were bad parents, or that they were evil and had bad intentions, but Jesus got lost in the shuffle, and he was just about His Father's business.

and i am scared that Christ's beautiful church has a tendency to lose Christ in the shuffle of life; we should be willing to lose our christianity if it means we find our precious Christ.

acts 29 - fight club

2009-07-27T08:35:00.003-04:00

men's conference
journey church
august 1st
acts 29 network

for a three-screen projection system.

hope you like them.

owl city

2009-07-11T12:09:00.002-04:00

if you have been anywhere near me or my sisters (lali, jannelle, jillana, or julie), you have heard us GUSH over this new band we've been listening to recently: owl city! no, it's not a place, and i've really yet to find the history behind the name, but it is a pretty awesome group.

the song that i like the best so far is "Hot Air Balloon". it's a great mix of fun, pep, and nonsense. lali and i often refer to this song as, "the happy song" and "one you can't help but bop your head back and forth to". seriously. it's good, uplifting stuff.

he has a new cd coming out soon, and you should definitely check it out on iTunes...and not to mention he's going to be in atlanta come september!

you can also visit his website or myspace page for a little sample of his music. i think for a while he was giving away a song every month, so his cool points just went up in my book! his next free single will be on iTunes july 14th! :)

so, moral of the story:

1.)check out owl city at a website of your choosing: the band site, twitter, myspace, facebook, whatever...
2.)if nothing else, go listen to hot air balloon right now. you may, or may not, wish to bounce your head back and forth. i will leave this decision up to your discretion.
3.)download the freebie next tuesday!
and
4.)consider coming with me and my sisters to see owl city when he gets to the ATL!

:) much love, blogosphere.

Public Service Announcement

2009-07-06T23:05:00.009-04:00

it's been approximately seven million years since you updated your blog (we carbon dated the last entry and seven million is the best estimate we could come up with although based on your vocabulary and font it might have been updated during the last twenty years... there isn't a consensus on it.. I'll get back to you when we have exact numbers)

That's from my friend, Jordann, via facebook. If you are repeating the same sentiments, my apologies, I forgot people read this and that looking at the same page is often frustrating and irritating. Not like this is your much-needed word for the day or anything! ;)

I am working on a response to the previous post on prayer. I feel like I have a sort of answer, and am trying to put it into words.

Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday.
Well, tomorrow as in...in an hour.
The Joneses will be here.
We aren't doing anything big,
which I'm okay with and not okay with at the same time.
I know it's partly my fault because I don't demand things from people.
I don't ask for parties or recognition.
I don't like asking for people to make a fuss about me,
but it's nice every once in a while.
To have just everything crazy,
not having to do anything,
cake, balloons, surprises.
I love surprises.
I love being surprised.
I like pretending I demand attention, too.
Well, I guess I do demand attention.

But I'm dumb, I suppose.
I could have asked for a cake.
I could have asked to go out to a nice restaraunt.
I could have dropped hints about some of the things I want.
I could have a party or whatever.

Whatever.

Twenty-two.

And so much to learn.

Prayer part deuce coming soon.

prayer.

2009-06-13T23:28:00.002-04:00

i have so many questions, and many of them i'm either too lazy or confused to put them into words.

one that just popped up today and makes me curious is about prayer.

if God knows everything
and takes care of us,
what is the purpose of prayer?

is it to show God that we're really dedicated and that this thing/event/person matters to us?
do we need to pray over and over and over and over and over for that thing/event/person or is once enough?
[this one bothers me alot:] is prayer just a centering of the human psyche towards one need or desire, and a focusing of the human spirit to will the event to happen, and not a result of divine interaction?

i'm caught between so many views.

God is big
i talk to God a lot; not as much as i used to.
i've always struggled with corporate prayer and prayer time, even at meals. i say thank you, and i will be reverent, but i've lost the will to pray.

and part of me feels bad.
but i don't want to have to train myself and then say it's God.
i don't want to read the Bible all the time
because common sense says if that's what i read, that is what is going to be in my head, and so i'm going to think about it more often.

no, i want to think about it because i'm seized by this great love.
and i want to know.

why prayer is so important
and why we think so big of ourselves that our prayers change things.

that sounded awful.
i believe in prayer? i say that as a question...because...
i just don't understand.

my life plans.

2009-06-01T12:22:00.003-04:00

well, my very likely, very strongly possible plans for the next year or two.

i feel the need to preface this post with a video.

so,

visit this link. Please.

did you visit it? okay, good. i'm sorry if that is stuck in your head. well, not that sorry. a little bit sorry. i rather enjoy it.

so.

my plans for the coming year.

eeeeeee this is exciting.

okay. so.

there is currently a plan in the works for me to get my masters degree from mercer, and as part of my masters' thesis, i would design a water supply system for the Pokot tribe.

and i would be able to go and install it next summer.

in Kenya.

I would also possibly be working with student affairs doing advertisement for campus organizations, as well as helping Laura (Dr. Lackey--who is currently on her way to Kenya until the end of June) with a textbook she is writing...editing and drawing...all fun stuff!

so, blogosphere, friends and family, i just wanted to give you a little taste of what may very well happen in the next year or so.

whoo hoo!

i'm feelin' good today :) much love, friends.

speeding and breathing patterns

2009-05-27T21:13:00.003-04:00

i wish i had good words for this post.

it's more like heartache bleeding to this page.

that is so emo.

but i can't figure out heads or tails of the matter.

i love speeding.

i love going fast.

getting places fast.

feeling the wind in my hair.

turning the radio up to 3/4 of the way so i can hear it over the wild breeze.

i couldn't do it today.

the radio was a garbled, faded mumble.

the wind hardly flicked my hair.

at one point, i realized i was barely pushing 40 on a stretch i often hit 80.

something else governed my driving.

something less adventurous.

something sad and scared.

it would seem that currently

i am isolated from most of the people i have ever cared about.

if not physically (which is definitely so, as i am in a house, alone, currently), but emotionally and spiritually.

something, something.

i have a problem.

i love love.

but i will not accept it from other people.

and i have some odd fear

that if i am ever truly known

i will not be accepted.

which isn't odd because i have never allowed people to know me,

but rather,

i share the deepest, darkest parts of myself with people on a regular basis.

and so it is odd because...

...even when people still like me, i can't handle it,

and i still insist on pushing them away.

it's like i don't trust them.

even if i do.

even if i trust them,

innately,

deeply,

conscientiously,

i have a hard time accepting that i'm acceptable to them.

i get this feeling they're just putting up with me.

and i'm an obligation

or a nusiance.

i feel like i ruin everything.

me and my big mouth,

running,

somewhere.

i am sad, i am alone.

i want to be held.

i want to just be in someone's presence.

and the more i ramble

the more my heart screams for some sort of healing

for some sort of bigger love to wrap itself around me

because i've heard of this love

and i've heard of this peace

and i've heard of this acceptance

and i'm oh-so-tired.

and i miss my friends.

i miss all the friends that i stopped hanging out with because i felt like i wasn't good enough

and that i felt like i was dragging down.

because when i sit back and think about it,

some people really like me.

i miss all the friends that i stopped calling and visiting because i felt like they had better people to hang out with.

what is this nonsense?

i am so up and so down all in one day.

i was feeling sick earlier, and i realized it was because i wasn't breathing very deeply.

i hate having to remind myself to breathe.

second-hand religion and chapter 4

2009-05-26T08:43:00.003-04:00

Reading another book.

Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time.

I don't agree with some of it,

other parts I find incredibly intriguing and interesting.

And still yet others warrant further mulling and deliberation.

[as an aside, in trying to spell deliberation, i was struck by the fact that the roots are basically, "from" or "away" and "to liberate". wow, what a cool word. setting thoughts ideas, and words free. i love etymology...(after checking etymology.com...the root for 'liberation' in this context is 'to weigh' but they still have the same root somewhere in there! haha)]

anyways,

the book is by Marcus Borg.

i hesitate to type that

because a lot of people don't like him

call him a heretic

and stuff like that.

ummmm.

but he says a lot of stuff that puts a face to Jesus

that encourages me to look deeper and to pursue truth.

something that has bothered me for a long time

is this nagging feeling that we made all this up.

now, i believe that the Bible was inspired by God

but in the end, they are just words.

words that have been handed down from generation to generation

written by men

just like you and me

it is composed of stories

of little people

trying to figure out what it looks like

for God to work

in their normal, boring, everyday lives.

following the Good News

following the Truth they know

following God and Love.

and for a while that concerned me.

well, it still concerns me.

but not as much.

in a way, i feel like everything ever written and done about God could be put in a Bible...

a Bible that catalogues YHWH continuously revealing Himself to mankind and pulling them closer to Him.

a constant discussion between

Moses

and Paul

and Peter

and John

and C.S. Lewis

and Brother Lawrence

and Martin Luther

and Martin Luther King, Jr.

and Augustine

and Billy Graham

and Rob Bell

and Saint Francis

and Francis Chan

and Marcus Borg

and you

and me.

it can't be about belief alone,

because that encourages us to be hearers and not doers

and even the demons hear of Jesus and they shudder.

i believe God is alive, active, and moving in our lives.

and i'm not just going to believe it, i'm going to chase it, love it, and pursue it.

second-hand religion embraces only believing what other people have told you about God.

it embraces the half-hearted pursuit of cultural wisdom, under the lordship of the things this world prizes.

we are to move beyond that, to experience God face-to-face, to pursue this higher wisdom and to be aware of Him at work.

i don't want no second-hand nothing.

why do you call me good?

2009-05-25T07:39:00.003-04:00

i don't want to live a good life.

i want to live a life

filled with

love

sincerity

compassion

power

miracles

redemption

peace

risks

danger

fun

innocence

knowledge

connections

passion

wonder

gratitude

those may be exemplified by people living good lives.

but

i want to live a life that encompasses everything.

i don't want to keep a list of things that i do

and say, hey wow, i kept this list, i am gooood!

i don't want to keep a list of things i believe

and beat myself up everytime i question them.

or to make up answers that make sense in my mind

because we all know that God is much bigger than the box we put Him in

and God is both...and.

i want to transcend the garbage that we pretend is real.

the american dream

the good paying job

the security

and the accumulation of wealth.

i'm not saying these are evil

i am saying

i pray

to never

become bogged down

in the pursuit

of the status quo.

i want to be extraordinary.

not

good.

the irresistible revolution, page 85

2009-05-19T09:50:00.002-04:00

But what had lasting significance were not the miracles themselves but Jesus' love. Jesus raised his friend Lazarus from the dead, and a few years later, Lazarus died again. Jesus healed the sick, but they eventually caught some other disease. He fed the thousands, and the next day they were hungry again. But we remember his love. It wasn't that Jesus healed a leper but that he touched a leper, because no one touched lepers. And the incredible thing about that love is that it now lives inside of us.